Just one of those days.

It's hard to describe it, but it's just a good day for me to write a blog post. I'm just in the mood to write and get some things off my chest. There's been a lot on my mind recently. This break has been much needed. It's given me a chance to get my life back in order and to slow down a bit. Right now it's late, and I'm sitting on my bed with my cat next to me, listening to Silverstein.

I can't believe Christmas is already over, and I am about to start my last semester as an Undergrad. I remember starting college with no idea of what the hell I wanted to do with my life, and now I know exactly what I want to do, and I am working towards getting to where I want to be, which is awesome.

I really miss my brother, a lot. I had my hopes up that he was coming for Christmas, but once again was let down. I sent him a facebook message asking him about it like a week or 2 before and he never responded. I saw that he had read my message, so I know he got it. I messaged him again a night or two before and he said he would call us, and that was Christmas afternoon. I don't think he ever did call. It's always the same thing every year. I don't know why I thought this year would be different. I just want him here. I'm tired of having a brother that I never see or speak to. I love him more than anything and I think about him all the time. I just want to put my arms around him and never let go. I want him in my life so bad.

Taylor and her boyfriend are down here staying at my house for the weekend. They're down here for some hardcore festival that started today and ends tomorrow. I have a feeling the reason she asked me about cheap hotels in the area is because she wanted me to offer to let her stay at my house for the weekend. It's been interesting, let's put it that way. Maybe more so awkward than interesting. Her boyfriend seems really nice. They seem to be a perfect fit for each other. I was freaking out because as soon as he gets out of the car, I see him light up a cigarette and smoke outside my house. I was so scared that my parents were going to see him or that the smell was going to follow him into the house. My parents were already not too keen on him even staying since they didn't know him, so that's all I needed was our new house to smell like smoke and my parents be pissed off.

I feel like I haven't been able to spend practically any time with Taylor. She's been glued to her boyfriend this whole time. They've been on their phones showing each other friend's pics/videos on instagram. It's been awkward around them because they've just been talking to each other about mutual friends or whatever, and I feel left out of their convos. It doesn't help that I'm introverted, because I can never think of anything to talk about. It was super awkward when Taylor left to go to the bathroom while we were at Steak N Shake, because I was left alone with her boyfriend, and he was just staring at his phone the whole time. I couldn't for the life of me think of anything to talk about with him and he never initiated any conversation, so I just sat there awkwardly.

I also never realized how much pot Taylor smoked. I wonder if she's always smoked this much and just played it off like she didn't or what, but her car reeked of pot and she was smoking it behind my house last night. I remember that one time I came to her house and she was smoking it and she told me she knew it was bad, and that she only did it when she was really stressed out. I feel like she's changed. Either that, or I've changed. Or maybe both of us have changed. I'm not really sure which it is. I feel like it's just hard to hang out with her. Not as in she's a horrible person or anything like that, it's just we never have anything to talk about when we're together. It's never really fun to hang out with her because we don't have much in common I guess. It reminds me of my relationship with Heather. It's the same thing.

It's crazy because when I'm hanging out with one of my social work friends, I always have a good time. In fact, I have the time of my life. I feel like I am more of myself around my social work friends. I feel like I always have things to talk about with them and they just seem to get me better than anyone else does. I'm reminded of the homecoming game. I went with Heather and her roommate, and was not having a good time. We were just sitting there quietly and awkwardly. I left halfway through to go sit with a few social work friends and had a blast. We were laughing and having a great time. Taylor and Heather think I am super shy, when in fact it's just because when I'm with them, I have a hard time connecting with them or finding things to talk about. I just click so well with my social work friends. The difference is like night and day.

That's really all I have to say tonight.

Goodnight.

End of the Semester + New Piercing!

It's been a long time. School has kept me so busy. Part of it has been my always feeling the need to go above and beyond whatever it is that I'm doing for school. I put more effort into things than I have to. It's good to be motivated and work hard, but it is also time consuming and draining. But it has paid off tremendously. I am so glad the semester is over. This one was really rough. People assume that as a social work major I do nothing when actually I do a hell of a lot. I have pulled more all nighters this semester than I have ever in all my other semesters combined. Fortunately, it's over and done now, and that's all that matters.

So Peph and I went out to lunch Tuesday after my last final and we spontaneously decided that we were going to get piercings together to commemorate the end of the semester. We started talking about our piercings and then one thing led to another and what do you know, we both have new piercings now haha. 

So I ended up taking out my right conch piercing because it was still giving me a lot of issues after having it for a year and a half. My right ear was now empty, so I figured it needed to be adorned with a new piece of jewelry. So Peph and I made our way down to Dungeon Tattoo and Body Piercing (the only place I trust) the night before last, and magical things happened (not really, but you know what I mean). Peph ended up getting her triple forward helix and it turned out awesome! It looks so perfect. I just ended up getting a cartilage piercing halfway up my ear. 

I absolutely love it. As simple as it might look, I am so in love with it. I wanted this piercing the last time I got something pierced but ended up getting a second forward helix instead. I honestly never really liked my second forward helix that much (or so I thought). It turns out I love the piercing, just not the jewelry I had it. I got it changed while I was there this last time to a 2mm green opal. It's gorgeous. I love the way it looks. 

For my cartilage, I picked out an 18g Neometal labret post with a 2mm orange opal gem. I had originally thought I wanted all the jewelry in my piercings to be the same color, but once I saw the orange, I knew I had to have it. 

This actually did not hurt half as bad as I thought it would. Putting in the jewelry hurt like hell, but the actual piercing was not that bad. Less painful than my forward helix. Definitely want to add one or two more above/below this one at some point. 

So much anger

I don't even know where to begin of if I should even be writing this because it just makes me angrier the more I think about it. So tonight was the Taking Back Sunday show in Melbourne, Fl. Guess who made plans to go? Me. Guess who couldn't go? Me. I have been looking forward to this show for months. The show was part of FIT's homecoming and was free for everyone, not just students. I had made sure to clear my schedule and had quite a few people who told me they would come. I even offered to pick anyone up. There was no excuses  for anyone not to go. First of all it's TBS, second, it's free, and third, I was offering to give people rides for free. Also, Adam's wife just had a baby so they had Spencer Chamberlain (ex-Underoath) fill in on vocals which would have been incredible to see!!!

I had a bunch of people saying they would come, but then the numbers started dwindling down. Hunter ended up going out of town. Heather forgot about it and had already bought a costume for a Halloween party she was going to tonight. Laelda had a friend staying the weekend and she said they only knew a few of TBS's songs so it wasn't worth going. Megan said she would, but she has to work tomorrow at 6am. Massiel said she was working on homework tonight. Peph loves TBS and was planning on going but ended up ditching me for a fundraising thing for one of our class projects (which she totally could've done something else to get hours). Hector said he hates concerts so he didn't want to go (although, he did say he would've went had he known I had no one to go with which is very sweet of him). Jamie was going to go but ended up having too much to do tonight. It was one thing after another with everyone. It's just frustrating because people kept cancelling on me literally last minute.

That wasn't really the big issue. The big issue was my parents. I would of rather gone with friends because this was a festival type thing with vendors and music but I will literally do anything to see TBS. They really are that good. So I was debating on whether or not I should tell my mom that I was going alone because I knew she would be upset. It's not my fault that I have friends who like to cancel last minute, or that I have friends that have no clue who TBS even is. I just can't tell a lie. I would've felt awful the whole ride down there knowing I had lied to my mom about going alone. She flipped out when I told her that. She told me she didn't want me going because it was not safe for me to go alone to an area that I had never been to before. What's crazy is that she let me drive to St. Pete which is farther to Melbourne by myself for Underoath's last show, but she wouldn't let me drive to this concert. It makes no sense. She called my dad to talk to him about me going alone and left him two nasty voice mails about how bad it was. I am not stupid. I am always careful when I go places, especially places I have never been to. I know what to look out for.

Then, my mom tries to tell that she lets me take the car anywhere I want to, and that she had to put her foot down this one time and say no. That is such bs. She always complains about everywhere I want to go being a waste of gas and more miles being put on her car. She has told me no so many times when I have wanted to go places. These were places that were less than an hour away. My dad and I were supposed to trade cars because my mom did not want me driving our beat up corolla all the way to Melbourne, but I wasn't able to get a hold of my dad. I kept calling him and texting him, but he never answered his phone. Apparently he was stuck in a meeting that ran late. He knew I was going to switch cars with him. The concert started at 6 or 630 I think. My dad did not get home til 7pm. Then he told me he thought it was a bad idea for me to be going by myself. He said he did not want me driving that late at night, even though I have driven home at 4 or 5 in the morning before with no problems from him.

Both of them kept telling me no. It made me so upset. I had been planning on going to this for months as I said. TBS is one of my all time favorite bands. I started listening to them in middle school. They are part of what got me into the music I listen to today. They have had such an influence on my life. And to get to see them for free with Underoath's old singer would have made for the best show ever. I was crying I was so upset. Once my mom saw me crying hard she realized this was not just another stupid concert for me. This was something that meant a lot to me and she finally realized that. She told me she was sorry and said she would try to see if she could get my dad to go with me, even though it was already 7pm. That was when I had just about had enough.

Her saying that made me feel like I was 5. I don't need my dad to come with me. I am 21. It makes me so frustrated because if I wasn't living at home, I could go to concerts anytime I wanted to without any hassle from anyone. I felt like a child. I don't need someone with me at all times. I am a grown woman and know how to handle myself. I know that there is danger out there and that I need to be careful, but I am careful! I always watch around me when I am out places. I always keep my guard up.

Since my mom felt bad, she offered to go see a movie with me instead (as if that was going to make up for me missing what could and should have been the best concert of my life). So we went and saw Bad Grandpa. I didn't want to see a movie. I was in a sour mood and didn't even want to talk to her, but I was stuck at home with nothing to do, so I figured I might as well go see the movie. My mom pissed me off further by saying to me during the movie "See, this is better than that concert would have been anyway!" That was about as far from the truth as you could get. That had me fuming, but I tried to let it go and enjoy the rest of the movie (which I did). I worked my ass off today to get all of my Friday assignments done before I was going to leave for the concert so I ended up having nothing to do tonight. I literally sat on my bed on the computer doing nothing.

So much anger and frustration. I missed my favorite band and one of the best vocalists. That is never going to happen again. I'm telling my parents that they are paying for my ticket the next time TBS is in town (which probably won't be for at least another year, if at all).

I am just so worried about this Colorado trip Peph and I are planning for Xmas. If my parents won't even let me drive an hour and fiftenen minutes to see TBS then I doubt they would let me drive three days to Colorado to see OneRepublic. Even though we are renting a car, so she can't use the miles and gas thing as an excuse, I have a feeling she won't let me go. Now is the perfect time for me to be doing these things while I have no obligations such as work or kids. TBS has been around for 10 years so I need to see them before they break up. My parent's can't shelter me forever. They need to realize that.

Christianity, social work, and life.

This is probably going to be a long blog post, just to warn any of you reading this. It spurred from seeing OneRepublic Friday and then hanging out with Sarah Saturday. (I know they sound like they don't connect, but I promise they will by the end of this.)

I’ve been in a really weird mood recently. It’s hard to describe what I’m feeling, but I don’t like these feelings. What I want to talk about are things that I have been struggling with in regards to religion and social work, and even life itself. Sarah and I a little while back had this conversation about being Christian and being in social work. We never really reached a conclusion. What I want to talk about kind of goes off of that. I’m sorry if this goes all over the place. So much is going through my mind.

I feel obligated since I am in social work to be preachy. I feel like my job should be faith related, and that in my job I should be trying to bring people to Christ. But to be totally honest, that is not what I want to do at all. I’ve been doing a lot of research and reading a lot of articles online that have talked about how all Christians are supposed be in some sort of ministry. I even read a story about a girl who was going to be on Broadway. She was really into theatre and said she prayed about finding God’s will for her life and said she felt called to be a missionary and preach the Gospel in other parts of the world instead so now that is what she is doing. She put her dreams of being on Broadway on hold to become a missionary. I just wonder if it is wrong for a Christian to have a non-Christian job such as being a baker or being a mechanic. Does everyone have to have some job where they are preaching to people? Can people not follow their dreams even if their dreams by no means relate to Christianity?

What makes me the most ecstatic is helping others. I get overjoyed when I see people helping others. That’s honestly what makes me the happiest. It gives me this feeling that I can’t describe. I want to spend the rest of my life serving others, but I don’t care about preaching to people or bringing people to Christ. I know that sounds horrible, but it is true. I want to live in a world where everyone is respectful of other’s beliefs. I feel like I want people to find their own happiness. If that happens to be religion, then great. If it is not religion then great. I've been wondering if Christianity is for everyone. People can find fulfillment in their lives without religion. I feel like I shouldn't be feeling this way though. I feel like I should be so on-fire for Christ that I want to tell everyone about Him and want others to come to Christianity. I hope this makes sense. I just feel like I am being a terrible Christian and am sinning for feeling this way.

Going off of that, I feel like I should just be beaming about Christ all the time. There was a guy that used to go to my college group at Church that went on a mission trip to somewhere in Europe. He said that the country he was in was predominately Islamic. He said that there was one day that he just passed around Bibles to everyone on the street trying to get the Word of God out to as many people as possible. He said he felt so bad and that his heart ached because those people did not know Jesus, and were going to go to Hell. See if was me in that country, I would be the one wanting to learn more about Islam. I wouldn't care about trying to convert people. Again, I feel terrible for feeling this way. I feel like I should be wanting to preach to everyone, but I don’t. I have another friend Zavia, who is always talking about God. Everything she says is practically about God or Jesus. Everything she wants to do is God-related. I feel like I should be that way, but I’m not. That’s what makes me feel bad.

I also really want to encourage people to follow their dreams, even if they are not related to Christianity. I feel like though, I should be encouraging people to follow Christ and not their dreams. 

Another thing that I want to relate to this is OneRepublic. After seeing them Friday, I got to thinking. I listened to an interview the lead singer, Ryan Tedder did about his childhood and Christianity. So Ryan grew up in Oklahoma and was raised in a very religious household. His parents are Pentecostal I believe. His dad is a preacher and his aunts and uncles are missionaries. He was raised by the Church. He said he went to a Christian college and knew he wanted to write songs and sing but, he was interested in secular music not Christian music. He said that the college he went to geared everything towards Christian music. He said if you wanted to go into music, his college expected it to be Christian music or being a worship leader at a church. His college was expecting everyone to have a Christian job, but that is not what he wanted at all. He had always wanted to write secular music. He said he had seen some things in the Christian music industry that really turned his stomach. He also said he was not interested in preaching to the quire, he did not want to just tour churches.

I don’t feel like there is anything wrong with that. He does what he loves and is most passionate about which is singing and writing music. The content of his songs are not bad or dirty. I really love OneRepublic’s music. Ryan also writes songs for big-name artists. He wrote Beyonce’s song Halo. He’s also wrote songs for Adele, Gavin Degraw, etc. I don’t feel that there is anything wrong with what he is doing or the way he is living his life. I read another article that was in response to the audio interview. It said that he needed to repent of his sins and come back to God. It also said that he needed to stop writing songs for people and start writing songs for God which is what God’s will is for him. I don’t know how to feel about that. Part of me feels like what Ryan is doing is fine, but the other part of me wonders if I should feel the way the author of that article did. Ryan doesn't go around preaching to everybody. The songs he writes are for the most part not related to Christianity whatsoever, but he is doing what he loves and is good at. No it’s not God-related, but it’s not bad music.

So many emotions running through me right now. I just want people to find whatever it is that makes them happy. The whole Ryan thing makes feel like people can be Christian and not spend their life preaching to people in their jobs. But like I said, part of me feels like I have to have a Christian job where my main focus is helping others come to Christ. It is also a similar situation with the band The Fray. The lead singer is Christian but he writes secular music. He doesn't go around preaching to people either. I just don’t know anymore.

There’s more I could write on this, but for now, I am done. It feels better getting that out.

New

New blog post soon. Possibly 2, one on the concert and one something somewhat related to that. I'm exhausted, and what I plan on writing is going to be long, so I will get to it tomorrow.

Not in a good mood.

I been in a really crappy mood the past few days. It's been a lot of things that have all be happening at once, putting me in a bad mood. Heather really upset me Friday. She had a get together/ party at her house Friday night. I asked if we could bake cookies, and she said that was fine, as long as they were the pre-made ones because she didn't want the kitchen to get messy because she just cleaned it. So I bought the cookie dough that comes in the tube, the kind you cut yourself. I got those because you could make more cookies out of them than the place and bake ones.

Heather suggested we use cookie cutters and make animal shaped cookies. So we did. They turned out being huge, and Heather thought they didn't turn out right because they were still gooey. I told her they were fine, and that they needed time to set up, but she wouldn't listen and got upset. The second batch turned out even worse. Heather got impatient and tried to take the cookies off the baking sheet right after they had just come out of the oven instead of letting them cool and set up. Well of course that was a huge fail. They were still gooey and she got even more upset. You are supposed to let cookies set up on the baking sheet for a few minutes before putting them on a wire rack to finish cooling. I bake all the time, and am always researching baking relating things, so I think I would know. Of course they all fell apart and became one gooey mess.

Then Heather got pissed off about the kitchen being a mess again, which was partly her fault because she wanted to use cookie cutters. I offered to clean up everything, and began washing the cookie cutters in the sink. A few seconds after I had started, she came up to me and was like "Just let me do it. I can do it much faster, and I know where everything goes. I am OCD about where everything goes." So then, I just stood there not knowing what to do. I tried to clean up what I could, but besides washing up, there wasn't much else for me to do. So then she tells me I could dry, so I dried all the cutters/pans and helped her put them away. She was just being a bitch that whole time. She was in a pissed off mood, and that then put me in a sour mood.

She later apologized to me about it. I think she could tell I was upset. That still does not change things. Then something bad happened. Heather's roommate's cat had jumped up on the table and was trying to eat the food. I jumped up to go get him off the table, and knocked over her roommate's bottle of beer onto her roommate's laptop. Thankfully it did not ruin her laptop, but I felt so bad. I barely even know her roommate, so that happening made me feel horrible.

I just really hate hanging out with Heather. I would like to try and be friends with her, but we are such opposite people. I can honestly only take so much of her. We have nothing in common except the music we listen to. I feel like every time I hang out with her, we have nothing to talk about. She thinks I am shy, and just need to talk more, but what she doesn't know is that I talk a lot, just only about things I find interesting or things that I can give input on. The things she talks about are usually petty things. I just never know what to say. I feel like her friend Pearson thinks I'm weird because I am so quiet. People just don't understand about introverts. I am so talkative to the people I am close to. If you get me started on a topic that interests me, I can talk your leg off.

That's really all I have to say about that.

On other news, I have an interview with Volunteer UCF. It;s for their hunger and homelessness committee. I am excited about this opportunity, and hope my interview goes well. This segues into my next thought, which is that I feel inadequate compared with my other PLC members. I just feel like they are so much more qualified to be on the PLC than I am. I feel like crap every time I am around them. They are all so heavily involved on campus, and they all know each other. I really don't even know why I applied. They keep asking me what I do on campus, and I never know how to respond, because I do nothing. I feel like when I tell them I do nothing, and that I am applying for various things, they think that I should not be on PLC with them, and that there are better people that deserve to be on the council more than I do. I just feel so crappy, and upset. I just want things to turn around. The only thing I applied for was the Volunteer UCF thing. That is something I am really passionate about. Most applications for different things on campus had to be in by the beginning of the year and by that time I was just applying to be on the PLC so I didn't even think about applying for other things. There is really no way for this to get any better.

Also, if I do get this position with VUCF, I am afraid about being on the same committee as Todd, one of my fellow PLCers. I just don't want him thinking negative things about me being on PLC. I just feel like me getting that position on VUCF would... I don't even know what I am trying to say. Oh well, I think I have said enough for one night. It feels better letting all of this out.

It sucks being in such a bad mood. I just need to stay positive and think positive thoughts.

Liar Liar

I am just so frustrated right now. I thought I could trust the people in the PLC, but apparently not. I went to go exchange car keys with my dad this morning because my mom had a doctors appointment and needed the car, and my dad told me as I was leaving to go say hi to Nancy who is one of the heads of the PLC. So I go to talk to her, and she tells me that multiple PLC members have told her that I have been talking a lot about how I feel like I don't deserve to be on the PLC. I have never told that to anyone on the PLC! I don't share personal info with them. Especially since I don't know them very well. The way she said it was as if it was something I do all the time, when I have never done it once! I don't know who would have told her that. Even if I had of told someone, I don't see why that would be such a big deal that Nancy would have to be notified. I could understand if someone saw me wasted doing crazy stuff, and deciding to tell Nancy. That would obviously be wrong on my part, and would not reflect well on UCF. The fact that she said it was more than one person that told her is what really gets me. I don't know who it would be.

I told her that I had never said that, and she insisted that I did based off whoever it was that told her I did. I didn't know what to say or do. I was shocked. I finally just apologized and told her I wouldn't do it again. I didn't want to fight with her. I know I could have, but she honestly scares me, so I didn't dare take it any further. It's just crazy. These are people who are supposed to be representing UCF. They are supposed to be the best of the best. It really just goes to show you that you can't trust anyone. I'm just gonna shut my mouth from now on, and say nothing. Nancy was like "Your fellow PLCers are going to be the first to rat you out."

This whole thing is so stupid. It makes me so upset and angry. I feel like I'm back in high school again. And I have to spend a whole year with these people. I wanted to get close and make friends, but not if they are just going to tell Nancy everything I say or don't say for that matter. There are pictures PLC members post on their FB's of them getting drunk and going to the clubs, and I could easily report them, but I don't. Maybe I should. Two can play that game.

I miss you.

You left some hope instilled in me
That I never should give up on anything
I know this made you proud of me
So this song remains for those who hurt like me

The man in black. He rides alone to a final destination unknown.
The man in black. He rides alone: he's moving on.
Not coming home.

I used to be the fearless one.
Living each day like death would never come
Now I feel his cold breath on my neck
He's watching my steps and telling me that I could be next.

Before I used to take these wings and I'd fly so high
(I'd fly so high. I tried...)
Now I live in regret never coming down to say goodbye
Oh why can't I?

The man in black. He rides alone to a final destination unknown.
The man in black. He rides alone: he's moving on.
I can't follow.

I used to be the fearless one.
Living each day like death would never come
Now I feel his cold breath on my neck
He's watching my steps and telling me that I could be next.

So make way for the man in black
So make way. He's never coming back.

I am so lost at sea
Ryan, shine the light for me
I'm sinking, I can't swim
I need you here to pull me in
I am so lost at sea
Ryan, shine your light for me
I'm sinking, I can't swim
I miss you brother.
You will never dim.

I never expected for this song or album for that matter to impact me the way that it has. I mean I've always loved TGI, but their music has never had a huge impact on me emotionally until I heard this song. I remember driving to Austin's birthday party, practically in tears by the end of this song. It brought out so many emotions in me that I never knew I had. That night, I was listening to this song bawling my eyes out. It reminded me of my brother, and how much I miss him. It's like you don't know what it's like to have a sibling that you've never had a relationship with. I see so many people especially at Argyle who take advantage of the relationships they have with their brothers and sisters. I would kill to have the relationships they have with their siblings. There's not a day that goes by that I don't think about him and desperately wish that things were different. 

Weekend.

I don't even know where to start this post. This weekend was awful. I am so glad I am home. I really just want to know why I was selected to be on the PLC. I really don't belong. I know Ana and a few others kept reminding us that we were selected for a reason and that we deserved to be there, but I just don't see it. That is what I learned the most at this retreat; how much I stood out compared to everyone else. Every single person on the PLC is heavily involved on campus. These people hold high positions in SGA, are in fraternities and sororities, are head of various clubs and organizations on campus. Listening to what everyone has done on campus and is doing on campus just made me feel so terrible. People wanted to know what I was involved in on campus, and I had nothing to say. I haven't been involved in practically anything on campus. I don't think I deserve this. There were 115 or so kids who were turned down for this opportunity and I bet they have more qualifications than I do. Standing up there talking about the position I wanted, I just felt so out of place. It sucked so bad. I just want to forget this whole weekend. I am so glad I didn't cry my eyes out while I was there. It is so hard to trying to get to know people who already all know each other really well. There was one girl in my group who got in with her big in her sorority. Seriously, what are the chances of that? There are a ton of people who are on OSI together. Everyone was cracking jokes and talking about mutual people they knew from their campus involvement. I was just like oh, okay... I felt so secluded. There were cliques that formed, and it was hard to get in on people's conversations. The beginning of the retreat was eh. I met a girl who told me she didn't know anyone either, and we had planned to stick together during the retreat, but then we got broken up and she stopped talking to me. I think it was because I didn't sit with her on the bus. I don't really know what it was. When she was walking out to the bus she was with another girl that I think she rode with, so my assumption was that she was going to sit with her, so that's why I sat by someone else. She practically ignored me the whole time. I don't really know what to do from here.
I think my personality and demeanor has a lot to do with my interactions with people and how they perceive me. I am an introvert. I would much rather stay at home by myself on a Friday night than go out with friends. I don't thrive off of social interaction. I can only take so much of people. However, that is not to be confused with me being shy. I can be outgoing depending on the situation and the person. Once I become close with someone, I can be very outgoing. But until I get to know someone, I am pretty quiet. I feel like a lot of people take that as me being bitchy or arrogant, but that is totally not the case. I need meaningful interactions to take place before I can be outgoing with someone. I have to have something interesting to talk about.
I hate small talk. It is pointless, and is always awkward. I found the best blog post about small talk.
Here's part of what was said: "It's not a conversation. It's a metric. You are using it to determine the nature of a new person. How they react, how they speak, what they feel like when engaged. It is a horrible way of getting to know me because I hate being tested, and I will usually act accordingly. I don't have to be rude, but the cues will be there that the nature of the conversation makes me uncomfortable because I know I will be judged by how well I perform at the task."
I never know what to say when meeting people for the first time. I am really bad at keeping a conversation going with someone I just met. I just can't believe how much I am finding on introverts. It's crazy how much I fit in with the introverted category. Reflecting on this weekend made me realize that maybe I just need to get to know people better to become close with them. I am proud to be an introvert.

Nostalgia

As much as I hate reminiscing on my childhood, I love thinking about all the weird and random things I used to do like stay up til 5 in the morning watching Jackass, Wildboyz, and Viva La Bam. Or how I used to blast music videos on MTV when my parents weren't home. This was back when MTV played good music. I remember waking up early before school so I could watch Invader Zim. That was the best animated show ever. Such good memories...

So Glad to be Home!

This weekend has been crazy. So many ups and downs. Way more downs then ups. I hate being with people, plain and simple. I like being at home, alone. I can only take so much of people. I would have much rather stayed home and not have gone out this weekend. It's just the same thing every time. Heather always wants things to go her way, and she can't stay away from Tyler. I wish she would realize that he doesn't want her. I know she gave her virginity to him and whatever, but he obviously wants to be a dick and not talk to her, so she shouldn't be wasting her time trying to get him to like her when he obviously wants nothing to do with her. She's constantly asking me, 'should I like his status and should I text him?' I don't care! She needs to stop because it's making my head explode. I just want her to shut up about him. She's trying to make things work when they  won't, so she needs to quit wasting her time. I'm just done with it, and I'm honestly done with her.

The food and wine festival was okay, but it was so expensive. You had to buy a sheet of tickets and that cost $20, you couldn't just buy one glass of wine or whatever. It was kind of awkward, because I only knew Heather and her cousin, and the two other girls that we were with were good friends of Heather and her cousin so they had all kinds of things to talk about, while I just kept quiet. They talked about other shared experiences and people I didn't know, so it was like what do I say...? So I stayed quiet most of the time.

I was so disappointed by how many people had brought their young kids. I'm talking like 1-8 yrs old to this event where everyone is drinking and smoking heavily. Do people have no common sense to know that you don't bring a young child to this type of event, especially if you are just planning on be wasted the whole time. Those poor kids.

It is just good to be home.

People, Places, and Things.

Today sucked, plain and simple. I just feel like Heather and I are two different people, and that makes it so hard to get along. Not get along in the sense that we fight, but get along as in becoming better friends. Her personality is the exact opposite of mine. She's very vocal about things, and wants things to go her way. Well today, nothing was going her way apparently. I am just so glad to be home and in my own bed away from everyone. She was just getting so pissed off and frustrated at things that didn't even matter. First it started with the food. Her class got out really early so we went home and then got food before going to Islands of Adventure. We had decided on Wendy's, but when we got there, the menu in the restaurant had no visible dollar menu, so she walked out. Then she was pissed that there was nothing for me to eat at Chick-fil-a which was right next to Wendy's. Then we went to Zaxbys which was down the street, and the parking lot was full. She screamed profanities about that. We ended up going to Del Taco which was fine, but the traffic getting there pissed her off. Every little thing really pissed her off. None of this stuff was important. Then, we get to the park and it's packed full which of course makes her even more mad. She kept saying mean things about people she saw in the park. I was seriously at my wits end today.

And then there's the whole Tyler situation that she couldn't seem to distance herself from. That was so annoying today. She kept telling about that one text she got from him and didn't know if and when to respond and then got pissed when he didn't respond. That's literally all she thought about today. She kept asking me if she should reply to his twitter posts and like his facebook statuses. I understand she is still in love with him or whatever, but she needs to get over him. It's making her look needy replying to all his stuff and begging him to text her. Yes, what he did was wrong, but you don't need to keep pursuing the relationship in hopes that things will change, because they won't.

The way she was acting this whole entire day just stressed me out. I really don't know how much more of her I can take, to be honest. I just feel like the way she approaches things, and they way she deals with people and situations are completely different from they way I do things. Today was so awkward at IOA. We just stood in line for all the rides and barely said a word to each other. I would love to be friends, but things just keep going downhill. I guess we don't have as much in common as I thought. people,

It's not my fault.

Heather is pissed at me, and to be honest, I don't care. It's not my fault that she happened to be in Jax the day of the Underoath show. I honestly had no idea the show was Saturday until the day of. My friend Jordan posted it on fb the day of and I just happened to see it. I didn't even think my parents were going to let me go, but they did. I texted her that afternoon and asked what she was doin and she told me she was in Jax. So I was just like oh... And then at the show I saw Jeremy and Kevin from ADTR and stupidly texted her and told her I saw them. And then I told her I was at the Underoath show and she got really pissed and was like 'you could've told me yesterday before I was already in Jax." I had no idea she was going to be in Jax, and I didn't know about the show until the day of. I thought this show had already happened like 2 weeks ago. It's totally not my fault that things turned out the way they did. Now she won't talk to me and I don't care. And as much as I try not to hold grudges, I keep being reminded of the NFG, SYG, TWY, and Man Overboard show. Kathryn came up to stay with Heather for the weekend and they both went to the show and didn't even bother inviting me. They both know I listen to that kind of music and like those bands. It really made me upset, but I just let it go.

On a lighter note, I'm applying to join the PLC. I want to join sooo bad, but I have no idea if they will pick me. I'm currently working on my application trying to make sure it's perfect before I turn it in. I just don't have much on campus leadership experience. I've done a lot of community service projects and stuff with NMSA, but I've never held any leadership positions at school.

I feel like Mike and I struggle with a lot of the same problems. It's difficult for me to try and help him or give him advice when I am going through the same things. I almost feel bad in a way for trying to help him when I know I can't even follow my own advice.

Life Happenings.

This is my favorite Taking Back Sunday song, ever. It's about Adam breaking off his relationship with Eisley's singer Chauntelle Dupree. They were engaged to be married and things just didn't work out. There's just so much emotion in this song. It is so amazing. 

"The love we had but couldn't name.

The past that we were stuck between. 

Beside myself I start to think,

Lord, what have I done?" 

I have so much to say, it's just hard to try and put it into words. Being in school now makes me feel bad about blogging, because I always have a paper to write or some assignment that I should be working on instead of blogging, but so much stuff has happened over break and recently.

This is something I've been meaning to write for a quite some time now, but my emotions have been getting in the way. So much has been going on recently, especially internally, so it's just been hard for me to put all of my jumbled thoughts on paper.

I tend to find that when I think I have everything worked out, I don't. I feel to some extent, I have moved on from the things in my past that have been haunting me. I know I can't change what happened, it's just now those things in my past are resurfacing. It's like just when you think you're over something, it comes back and takes a different form. I'm trying to be content with what I have, because I have been so richly blessed, but it's just so painful to see other people having an amazing time with their families, especially seeing friends with their siblings. And as much as I wish for things to be different, or better if you will, I know they can't because I feel like anything I wish is so far away from actual reality.

I'm so concerned with other people's feelings that I don't even stop to think about my own. I've just been trying hard not to do things or say things that get my mom upset, because I don't want to feel her wrath and I don't want her to be upset. She's got enough to worry about without me adding to it. Last night I did something really stupid. My mom and I went and saw Parental Guidance and after decided to go to Cracker Barrel for dinner. Well I pulled into a parking spot and saw the one in front of me was empty, so I thought I could just pull straight through. Apparently there were those concrete blocks on either side of the parking spot and I totally didn't see them whatsoever. It was dark an rainy and the Rav4 we have sits high up off the ground so I couldn't see them. I pulled straight through and went over both concrete blocks. Lets just say I got chewed out by my mom. She was so pissed off. She was like 'this is the only car your dad and I are going to have, and you keep messing it up. I can't believe how dumb you are. How did you not see the blocks there? You need to be more careful when you drive. I give you this car to drive and you don't even take care of it. You don't deserve to be driving this car.' She went on and on and on making me feel more like shit with each blow. It's not like I purposefully ran over those blocks. The only thing I could say was sorry. She eventually apologized for the way she acted. Typical mom. My mom reacts without thinking. She goes off on the littlest things and the realizes later that she shouldn't have acted that way and apologizes.

To be honest, I don't fully understand the feud between my brother and my parents. I don't 100% know why things are the way they are between them, but I know my brother and I are both pissed off at my mom for some of the same reasons. That's why as much as I want him to make things right with my parents, I know I'm gonna get dragged into it, and that really scares me. I've been avoiding confronting my mom about the way she treats me for most of my life now. The one time I did try confronting her about it, was in 8th grade, and she denied everything and told me I didn't know what I was talking about. The occasional time where I call her out on something she gets pissed off, so I'm at a loss at what to do. I just don't want things to get worse, but I feel that they are going to have to before they get any better.
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Tonight I took a blow to the chest by none other than my mom. What a surprise. I got a random message from my brother about how he was moving and wouldn't be able to take his cat. He really wants me to have it. It's an orange and white male 3yr old tabby. I would take it in a heartbeat, if only my mom would let me. It would kill me to see it be put down because it is the nicest cat ever, and for some reason, those are hard to come by in my household. Plus I've been looking for a cat since the passing of my black cat. I asked my mom about it and she automatically said no. She said we already have enough animals. I kindly reminded her that we recently had four, then lost one, so adding one more would make what we started with. She told me to not start with that crap and that we had been much better off after the death of Midnight. What a slap in the face. It's like thanks mom, for telling me you hated my cat all along. I loved her dearly and now she's dead. There are other things I could add to this, but I won't for my sake and yours.

Losing my cat, as dumb as this is going to sound, is the most painful thing I have ever experienced. We knew Friday night that Saturday we were going to have to take her to be put down. I stayed up all night bawling my eyes out. And what made things worse was that she slept right beside me that night. I couldn't sleep knowing that my best friend of almost eight years was going to die the following day. All I could do was watch her sleep beside me and cry. The only thing that can heal those wounds is time. There's nothing nobody has said or will say for that matter that can help me get over the loss of my cat. Time heals many wounds.

I finally realized tonight that my mom is full of empty promises. She promised me that if I moved to Orlando with her and my dad that I could drive to Jacksonville any time I wanted. That was a lie. She also promised after the death of my cat that I could get another one. That was a lie too.

For now, this is all I'm going to write because I'm tired and need time to regroup my thoughts.