I'm so pissed off right now. I want another cat. I found the cutest kittens on Craigslist, but my mom said no. She was like this isn't something we should rush into. I'm not rushing into anything. If you don't get them while they're there, they will be gone. I'm tired of having to comply with her insane list of what this next cat has to be. It's going to be mine, not hers, so she should have no say in what I get. Just sayin. And she's the one who always told me she never wanted another cat. She said she doesn't like them that much and that only reason we have the one we have is because of me. So now, why all of a sudden is she wanting to pick out our next cat and have it be hers? She has two dogs. It's not fair that shes trying to dictate this. And then she tries to tell me oh you have one cat, why do you need another? Yes I have one, but I had two. I don't see what the big deal is when had two. Getting another one is not going to change the way things were. I really just want my black fuzz buddy back. But she's never coming back :[
I want to get another cat. I know it's really soon, but I feel like having another cat will not replace, but help me come to terms quicker with the loss of my last one, and plus Lori needs a new companion. The only thing stopping me is my mom. She told me I could get another one, but it has to meet her specifications. I had originally wanted a full grown cat from an animal shelter since I know those are the hardest to adopt out, but she said no way. It had to be a kitten, and it had to be 8wks or younger. She wants a fluffy cat, and a female cat. She also wants it to be a certain color or colors. I showed her what I found on craigslist, and none were good enough for her tastes. It really makes me sick. This will be MY cat, not hers. She told me that as long as I'm living under her house I have to get the kind of cat that she wants, and that when I move out I can get whatever I want. That is such bullcrap. I feel like there's no point in getting a cat that I don't want. She's going to get attached to it seeing as she will be the one picking it out, and I'm sure won't let me leave with it when I move out. It's not fair or right. All I want is closure and to be at peace and right now, neither of those things are happening.
I am feeling so many emotions right now that I don't want to feel. It's hard when a close friend of the same sex admits that they like you as more than a friend and have always seen you as that. It makes everything she's ever said to me, every compliment she's given to me, every time she's hugged me into something more for her. It's just weird and confusing to go back and think about all the times she's talked about how pretty I am or whatever. And she was able to feed my negativity I have towards myself into compliments that I took as her being a good friend, trying to make me feel better about myself which were really her saying those things in an "I like you" kind of way. Wow. I feel like now that she's told me, things will never be the same between us. I can never hang out with her with out thinking that she sees me as something more than a friend. And it creeped me out when she told me she would have tried to kiss me that time we were alone mini golfing. I just don't know how to process this. I mean it's not her fault per say for feeling that way. You can't help who you're attracted to, but I just don't really wanna keep being friends because talking to her or hanging out with her will be really awkward. I told her I was glad she told me, because I would hate not knowing something like this, but at the same time, it has totally changed how I view her and it's going to continue to change us hanging out.
You see that gorgeous mint green diamond in my ear? That is my new forward helix piercing, and I am totally in love with it. My friend Sarah had been talking to me about wanting to get her cartilage pierced, and I told her I would totally go along and get something too. I don't really know what possessed me to say that, but I did, and I'm glad I did, because I am extremely happy with my new piercing! Sarah wanted to go somewhere else to get our piercings done but I told her I didn't trust anyone else in Orlando but the people at Dungeon Tattoo and Body Piercing, so off we went today.
I wasn't entirely sure of what I wanted. I finally thought I had decided on a normal cartilage piercing to match Sarah's, but as you can see that totally did not happen. What I really like about Dungeon apart from their amazing service, is their large selection of high quality jewelry. I have incredibly sensitive ears that really hate most anything I put in them, so it's quite a relief to have a place that sells good brands and high quality jewelry. I have yet to find that anywhere else in Orlando. I also feel like a lot of people look at price to determine where they go, and I think that can be important because there are some places who charge ridiculous amounts and do sub par work, but cheap is not always better. You just can't get good quality service and good quality jewelry for cheap, so think about that before you choose to get something done.
Okay so Monica who did my left conch also did mine and Sarah's piercings today. I really love her. She is so awesome at what she does and is very friendly. So Sarah went first and got her cartilage done. It turned out so cute! Then it was my turn. Monica had originally marked a couple dots on my right cartilage, and then suggested getting a forward helix. I figured why not? Let's do somethin different. I decided to get it above the one I already had in my left ear as opposed to getting it in my right and having matching ones. She marked a spot that I was happy with and cleaned that part of my ear.
She had me laying down and got everything lined up and pierced it. It's hard to describe what it felt like. It felt like a lot of pressure and burning. My ear felt so hot afterwords. It was the same when she put the jewelry in. It felt like a ton of pressure and burning. Pain wise, it was about the same as my conch or maybe a little less than my conch. It obviously wasn't the best feeling in the world, but it was totally bearable and something I would do again.
The placement is perfect. I couldn't be happier with it. My other forward helix was pierced really close to my head, so I was limited in what I could wear in it, but the one I just got is perfectly spaced so that's it's not so close to my head this time. I can wear pretty much anything in this one, which is exciting. Overall, I had another wonderful experience with Monica at Dungeon Tattoo and Body Piercing. Again I recommend them for all of your piercing and tattoo needs. Go find them on facebook and check them out if you are in the Orlando, Fl area!! :]
7th grade was when I first heard of Taking Back Sunday. There was this kid in my English class who came to class one day wearing a green TBS shirt, and I of course had to figure out who they were. So, I went home and looked them up and instantly fell in love. This was I think around 2004 or early 2005. I just found my old Xanga that I had in middle school, and in one of my entries I had an old picture of TBS under a favorite bands post. They really helped shape my middle and high school years. I grew up in a very strict, conservative, Christian household, so if my parents had ever found out that I was listening to TBS they would've flipped out, so I had to be very secretive about listening to them. It's not even like their music is bad or ungodly, my parents were just opposed to anything other than contemporary Christian music and the oldies they used to listen to. I remember my dad walking in on me when I was listening to a rock station on the radio once and him going crazy. I used to wake up extra early on school days just so I could watch music videos from my favorite bands on Fuse and MTV (back when they played good music). I always got so excited when a TBS music video would come on. I loved "Cute without the e" "This Photograph is Proof" and really all the music videos MTV and Fuse used to play by them from their first three albums. I remember when "Louder Now" came out, and ever since I got the CD I had it on repeat in my CD player (yes that's right CD player). Their music is just so catchy, and wonderful. It reminds me of my childhood every time I listen to them. Their music is composed of such a wide range of styles and types. There's no one song that sounds the same in my opinion.
I feel ashamed to say this, but I was late to listen to their latest album, their self-titled one that came out last summer. I just always assumed that what they had put out int he past would never be like their old stuff, so I never bothered to give it a chance. That was a horrible decision on my part, because when I finally did take the plunge and listen to the album, I was blown away. A lot of people have been giving them crap about how they've changed and how this is not the true Taking Back Sunday, but I personally think it sounds every bit like something TBS would put out. I love this album so much. It is incredible. Please go listen to this band if you I haven't. I guarantee you won't be disappointed. I cannot tell you how excited I am to be seeing them at Warped this year! I have wanted to see them for the past 7-8 years now and I am finally getting my chance!
I just love listening to music that gives you that nostalgic feeling, don't you?
You know what? The whole situation I was in sucks, and it sucks that things turned out the way they did, and it sucks losing people, but I think through all of this, I have learned that I am worth more than people take me for, and I am worth more than people make me believe. People are going to hurt you, and betray you, and make you feel like crap, and it's going to be the ones closest to you that hurt you the most, but always remember your worth and how much you are loved by those who really matter. Don't let anyone ever fool you into thinking that you are worthless, because you're not, and plus God wouldn't have sent His son to die on the cross for you if you weren't worth it. Think about it.
It really sucks that AOF broke up, because they were sooooo good. And I remember almost seeing them at Warped Tour like 4 years ago. My friend Liz and I got backstage or whatever, but they were only letting friends and family on stage to see them, so we basically left and went out into the crowd but couldn't see anything from where we were, so we ended up leaving. But they will always be one of my favorites.
I've been debating talking about this, because what I want to talk about is super personal, and I usually keep a journal for the really personal stuff because there are things going on in my life that I don't want everyone to know about. Big shocker lol, I don't post everything on here! There are certain people I know that read my blogs and I don't personally feel like sharing certain things to certain people about stuff going on. I feel like I make that sound like a bad thing, it's not so much that I'm keeping secrets from people, it's just more so internal stuff going on.
So basically, I never thought I'd be happier to see summer come because of a crazy, stressful semester, but now that's it's here, I want to be back in school. I have honestly felt like crap ever since summer started. I've felt so depressed and just want to be back home with all my friends in Jacksonville. When my family and I moved to Orlando last summer, I had quit my job and wasn't planning on working since I had enough money saved to cover school and whatnot. And plus being at Valencia in the honors program didn't leave me much room to work, although I'm sure I could've done it. I've always wanted to work in Publix's bakery ever since I was probably 16, but didn't have any professional baking experience, even though I bake all the time, and I wasn't old enough. By the time I was old enough, I had a job that I liked, so I never bothered applying. Ever since the Martha White contest, I now have the experience I need to apply at Publix, but have yet to do so because of things going on this summer. If I was to apply, I would need at least 4 weeks off this summer for various trips I'm going on such as the OVU mission trip in June, or the 2 weeks of camp I plan on counseling in July. Most if not all places won't give you weeks off at a time once you just start working somewhere. And I've heard that Publix is good about giving time off, but I don't know how to approach the situation. Would I go into the interview and be like yes I want the job, but I'm gonna be gone these weeks out of the summer? I feel like that seems unprofessional. So that's why I have been reluctant to apply. I've wanted to wait til summer's over and I'm done being gone.
So as for right now, I've been sitting on my butt all day every day since school's been out. I've been going crazy out of my mind being so bored. I have literally had nothing to do. And since I'm not working, money's tight, so It's not like I can just go to Disney or Universal any time I want. I haven't made hardly any friends at Valencia. There's those people you talk to in class, but you don't really hang out with outside of class. It's like you're kinda friends with them but then once the semester's over you never see or hear from them again. I've had a lot of those, which sucks, and I can honestly only think of one person from school that I'm close to that I hang out with. To be honest I never liked Valencia. I hated the atmosphere. It seemed so much like high school, and I thought I was going to get away from high school when I got to college. It's constantly noisy, there's cliques everywhere, and it's been harder to make friends as opposed to when I went to FSCJ. FSCJ was wonderful. I met some of the most amazing people there. The campus I went to was so nice and quiet. My classes were fun, the teachers were awesome. It was great. And then I went to Valencia, and it seemed like the exact opposite of where I came from.
I feel like I keep asking myself, what am I doing with my life? Sitting here doing nothing has made me completely reevaluate my life. I'm tired of doing nothing, but I have nothing to do. haha I'm definitely thinking that after my mission trip I'm gonna go ahead and apply at places, even if it means sacrificing camp in July because I want to get off my butt and do something productive. I want to stop just simply living, and be alive. I'm tired of wasting my time doing nothing with my life. I've also been questioning my purpose in life. What is it that I hope to accomplish with my life? I don't want to die not having done what I wanted to with my life. I don't know I just feel like I'm wasting so much of my time this summer not doing anything.
And I feel bad because I live at home rent-free and my parents pay for my gas and food. So I feel like the least I could be doing is working full time and supporting myself. My dad works so incredibly hard for every penny he makes, and I feel awful just using his hard earned money like that. I feel worse just sitting at home not doing anything.
I finally understand what it's like for my mom to do nothing at home all day. I feel so bad for her. I want to desperately get her out of the house and doing stuff, but she never feels up to doing anything. She spends all of her day sleeping and watching TV. I want to do stuff with her, but I don't know what we can do that doesn't involve getting out of the house. And I hate how she feels that it's her fault for us being in this position. She can't control what hand she's dealt in life, but she can control how she chooses to play her cards. I also feel as if she's selling herself short. She's only 52 and she already thinks she's gonna die around 70. She's constantly telling me oh I've already lived my life, so it's okay if I die young. It's like she's trying to compromise, when really she's capable of doing so much more with her life. I just love her so much and hate to see her like this. She has so much potential to be something greater, and I just wish I could take the pain away and make it all better. It sucks knowing there's nothing you can do to make someone feel better.
And to be honest, I recently haven't been enjoying going to church tuesday night's. I feel like I always get stuck in awkward situations every time I go. It's kind of hard to explain, but it's like I've only been here for a little less than a year and I haven't been at River Run for that long, maybe like 7-9 months? So we had a group of people that would always come, and now recently people have been coming that used to come way back before I was there, and so it's been kinda awkward. Like I'll be stuck in a group of people and there will be that one person in the group that everyone else knows but me. And so there's no good way to introduce yourself, and it seems like the people in the group think you know whoever it is when I don't, so it's always awkward and weird. And everyone's just kind of talking about random stuff so there's no good way for me to introduce myself. I used to hang out with kids from Metro, and then the whole "him" thing happened, and ever since that unfortunate situation, It's hard for me to get around hanging out with Metro people and not seeing "him". And I almost to be honest feel like the whole church thing is like school. I hang out with these people at church but then never see them again outside of church. And I thought I made a bunch of friends going over to "his" house all the time, but those people I never hear from. And I understand that communication works both ways, and I've tried to communicate with these people, but it's like don't tell me you wanna hang out and then never talk to me again.
I really really want to make a long Jacksonville trip soon. There's so many people I miss dearly and want to hang out with, and so many people that want me to come up. It sucks that I don't have a car because then I could drive up whenever I wanted, but using my parents car makes it a lot trickier to go visit friends up there. My mom is always complaining about gas and about putting miles on the car, so usually bringing up a Jacksonville trip is a no. If it's not a necessity like paper work or doctors appointments, then my parents are not always open to letting me come up but we'll see. It just depends.
So yeah that's what's been going on in my life. I'm trying to not go insane from all the nothingness. I just don't know what to do anymore. But for now, It's almost five in the morning, and I need to attempt to get some sleep.
So I finally after months of waiting, got accepted into UCF! And that was supposed to be the easy part lol. Now I just have to submit my Social Work application and hope and pray I get accepted into that!
On an unrelated note, I am so sore. I went on a five mile walk/run tonight through Alayfaya Woods and it definitely kicked my butt. I've been so lazy this summer and I really need to step it up and really try to train hard for the 10 mile race I've got coming up in September at Disney. I'm not going to do like the I did the Princess Half I ran this February and wait until the week before to start running lol. And even though I only did a minute worse this year than my half I ran last year, I don't want to have to endure the leg pain that I felt during this past half. I know it was because my legs had not taken that much running or walking for that matter at once, and that the severe leg pain would have been eliminated if I was better prepared for the race. So I'm gonna try and not put it off this time haha.
The Broadway Calls song I posted reminds me of home. There's not a day that goes by that I don't think about my friends and family at home. I hate Orlando so much to be honest, and I really just want to move back home. But alas, I am stuck here and am trying to make the best of it.
Anddddd, I found the best blog everrrr that makes vegan deserts! I am so stoked to try these recipes because they are actually healthy, and are made with surprising ingredients. Her name is Katie and her blog is here: http://chocolatecoveredkatie.com/ The food looks sooo yummy! And I like that she has a lot of single serving recipes so I don't have to make a whole batch of something and end up eating all of it, because it always happens.
So yeah I'm gonna stop rambling and probably go watch youtube videos until I fall asleep.
First of all, I don't know what's wrong with me, but I randomly got super hungry at like 12:30 tonight. My stomach was killing me and I ate the other half of my veggie sub but it still wants more food haha. I'm trying to resist but I'm just so hungry for some reason!
Okay so on to the main point of this entry haha, and guess what? It has nothing to do with food. So I never ever talked about the awful crap I had to go through with my second conch piercing, I think I only wrote about getting it done, so I figured I'd better explain some things before talking about this third conch piercing.
Ever since the day I got my second conch piercing, it constantly felt irritated. It wasn't a sore feeling like my other conch, it was this painful irritated feeling. I don't know how to describe it other than that. I didn't think it was the jewelry, because even though I don't think it's good quality titanium, it's in all my other piercings and has only given me problems with this conch. I don't think it was anything I was doing. I went through all the things I do on a daily basis and couldn't think of anything I was doing that would cause it to feel this way. I don't sleep on it, I don't use hair products besides shampoo and conditioner in the shower and I make sure none of that get's on my piercings, I don't touch it unless I'm cleaning it and that's with clean hands, I don't put anything harsh on it, it never gets knocked. It was just plain irritated. I finally figured it was because I had a circular barbell in it as opposed to a straight barbell so I went back to the guy that did it after a week and got it changed to a straight barbell. I know I should've waited but I couldn't take the irritated painful feeling in my ear any longer. When he changed it, he told me it was infected, and I couldn't believe it. It never looked infected, and was never pussing or bleeding so I'm not sure weather it really was or not at the time, but if it wasn't it got infected a few days later. I thought things were getting better with having the bar in, but it only got worse. The pain radiated throughout my ear. No amount of ib profin could help the pain. I got it changed on a Sunday, and then the following Wednesday woke up from my ear being in so much pain. It was hot, throbbing, swollen, and extremely painful. It was crusty and pussing, and wasn't apparently going to let me sleep. I didn't want to go to the doctor because most doctors aren't piercing friendly, and plus I knew my dad was going to say something which he did. He was basically like 'Why did you get it pierced in the first place if it was just going to get badly infected?" It's not like I asked for the infection. Well anyway, I went to the doctor and she gave me two different types of pills to take for the infection. She didn't make me take it out thank God, but she did douse my ear in hydrogen peroxide, which did not feel good lol.
I still am not 100% sure of why it got infected. Like I said, I've gone through everything I was doing and don't think it was something I was doing or not doing for that matter, that caused it to get badly infected. I would be honest and own up to it if I was playing with it or not cleaning it, or whatever, but I've been really careful with it and have been trying to do everything right so it wouldn't end up infected like my second one did. I hate to blame my piercer for it getting infected, but I think it could have been his fault. One thing that bothered me that he did was not properly sterilize my jewelry that I brought in before he put it in my ear. He knew I had only had my piercing for a week, and yet all he did was spray the bar with alcohol and wipe it off. And the bar I brought in was definitely not sterilized before hand, and I had been wearing it in other piercings. So I think that bacteria that was on the bar could have been what go into my piercing and got it infected? I don't know, it could have just been some freak thing, but whatever, it's doing better now and is on the path to healing. I've never had anything like that happen with any of my other piercings and I hope I never have to go through that again. I am definitely going to make sure I take wonderful care of my newest conch piercing so it doesn't start out like my other one did.
Okay sooooo finally onto the experience of my third conch. I decided to go somewhere different for this one, since I had so many problems with my other one. I found a place on the corner of University and Deen called Dungeon Tattoo and Body Piercing, and I am so glad I came across them! The girl that pierced my conch was Monica, and she was so awesome! She was so nice, patient, and knew what she was talking about. What really impressed me was how much time she took in making sure that both my conches were going to be even. I appreciated that so much! She could've just marked it and pierced it with out trying to make them look even, but she really took the time to make sure they looked the same which I am super happy about! The actual piercing part was similar to the others. She had me laying down ,which I was happy about, because it gave me no chance to move while she was doing it. I don't know, it just personally feels more comfortable then sitting up. I was expecting this one to hurt more then the other two, and it did lol. It was definitely a sharp pain, but it was over quick and I'm now left with an awesome conch piercing! I can't stop looking at them! They look wonderful! Yay!! I would 110% recommend Dungeon to anyone in the Orlando area looking to get pierced! Check out their Facebook page if you want more info :]
This song is literally the best song I have ever heard, ever. Matty Mullins is such a crazy talented writer. I remember hearing this song for the first time thinking "Wow. Matt completely gets it. He truly knows what matters in life, and what the meaning of life is. He understands the true meaning of Christianity. He gets it." It blew me away. I have to listen to this song almost daily. It is an incredible reminder that the things of this life don't matter and that our bones are only temporary, and that there is something so much greater coming after this life. It helps put everything in perspective, and get's my life back on track. It reminds me that I am never alone, God is always with me. This song has changed my life in so many ways. I don't think Matt fully understands the impact this whole album has made on so many people. This song gives me chills every time I hear it. Eventually I plan on getting lyrics from this song tattooed on me. Because this song embodies Christianity in so may ways. It puts life into perspective and gives people hope for the future. I want others to see my tattoo and ask me about it so I can tell them what this song means and pass on the message to others!
Let go of everything, Let go of everything!
What is it that you are holding on to? What will it matter when every history book is consumed in the flames? Soon it will be like you never existed, Not a single soul will remember your name!
Everyone is flawed, Everyone has a story to tell. But every story has an ending, So stop acting like there won't be one!
These bones are only, only temporary. (Let go of all you know.) You're on your own, but not alone. You'll never be alone.
These bones are temporary, Let go of all you know. (Let go of all you know.) The destination lies ahead And we are not alone. We are not our own!
Forget then, live right now. Everything rides on tomorrow. When that day comes will you hear (will you hear) "Well done, well done."?
Your eternity is worth so much More than their opinions of you. Defined not by where you've been, Knowing that you'll be made new!
These bones are only, only temporary. (Let go of all you know.) You're on your own, but not alone. You'll never be alone.
These bones are temporary, Let go of all you know. (Let go of all you know.) The destination lies ahead And we are not alone. We are not our own!
I can't say The past will never get in the way. Just remember, all things come and go, But they don't mean a thing. It's not about what you have now, It's what you have in store.
Let go. The destination lies ahead And we are not alone. (It's not about what you have now, What do you have in store?)
Let go. These bones are only temporary, We are not alone. (It's not about what you have now, What do you have in store?)
Let go. (These bones are only temporary) The destination lies ahead And we are not alone. (You're on your own, but not alone. What do you have in store?)
Let go. (These bones are only temporary) These bones are only temporary, We are not alone. (You're on your own, but not alone. You'll never be alone.)
So this is gonna be just a random blog about random stuff that's been going on in my life. I went to today and got my conch piercing changed from a ring to a straight barbell and it feels 100% better. It had been irritatingly painful this past week and I had come so close to ripping it out of my head lol. But the bar feels better. So I hope it goes uphill from there. I also had my other conch taken out. It was definitely a spur of the moment decision but I am glad I did it. It was getting more and more painful by the day and the angle was definitely not what it should have been. Stevo assured me it would still heal up fine, but I knew it would heal up easier and better if it was angled straight as opposed to the weird angle it was at. I asked him if I should take it out and get it redone and he told me that was up to me and not his decision to make. I hate it when people tell me that! So I rephrased my question and asked him if he were in my position what would he do, and he said if I wasn't happy with the placement or whatever then take it out and wait a couple weeks and get it redone. So that's what I'm gonna do because I like the look of having both conches pierced. So I will be back in 2 weeks to have it done...for the third time lol. I was freaking out that it was gonna hurt to have it removed and a new bar put in but it didn't. I was relieved.
To be honest, I haven't been going to church every Sunday like I should. I know this is going to sound awful, but I would rather be in bed sleeping then having to get up early and go to church. And it had been working out because my dad had been super busy with work and stuff and wasn't able to go so I got off easy for a while. My dad had asked me if I wanted to go to church with him today and I was like sure, why not? I wasn't excited about going to be honest, but it was amazing! God spoke to me in so many ways this morning. We sung all of my favorite songs today and it was so wonderful. The worship was great the message was great. I just love how nonjudgmental River Run is. It's so comforting to find a place that won't judge me for the piercings I have, or for the clothes I wear or for the music I listen to. It's so great to finally feel at home. I definitely got inspired to do something this summer. I've been waiting to get e job, since I plan on being gone various weeks out of the summer for different trips and I know that most places especially when you're new won't let you take weeks off like I would need. So, I've been trying to hold out on getting a job until things slow down for me in August. Because I'm not working, I've been sitting on my butt at home all day doing pretty much nothing. I feel like this is a great opportunity for me to reach out to others and to help make a difference in the world. There are so many causes that I am interested in and want to get involved with over the summer. I feel like not working this summer has given me the perfect opportunity to do something. I'm super excited to see what God throws at me this summer.
On a more solemn note, I've been trying to keep my mind off family issues. I feel like the less my family talks about things, the better off we are as a family. It really sucks the way things turned out, and I hate having to be the mediator for everything. I feel like my parents, or at least my mom really hold me up to high standards because she doesn't want me turning out like him. I feel like I have to be a certain way for her, if that makes sense, like I have to make a's in school since he failed all his classes, and that I have to be that perfect child since he's not. I feel like she holds me to higher standards.
I miss having a brother. Dangit, I love him so much. All I can say is that I wish things were different and you can't force people to change. You can only try to reach out to them and continue to love and be there for them. Family is family and that never changes. They share part of your DNA, and that can't be changed. Other than that, I'm in such a good mood today. I'm looking forward to OVU this summer and camp. It's gonna be awesome :]
I found the suicide note of Adam Krieger, the boy that Blink 182 wrote a song about. I encourage all of you to read this and hope it has an impact on your life.
To the man and woman who chose to conceive a child, the result of which was me, when it fit in with their five year plan;
To the teachers who never really cared, no matter what they say;
To my fellow geeks, dweebs, et. al., who will no doubt receive more abuse upon my passing, as my tormentors will no longer have me to kick around;
To my fellow students who made my life a living nightmare when they should have focused on their education;
To those who never cared, never spoke, probably never knew my name;
To the one true friend, whose caring was the only thing that prevented this even from happening sooner;
To the God, if he does exist, who chose to play a cruel, cruel joke on me when he placed me where he did and surrounded me with so many uncaring faces;
To all of you, goodbye.
I am leaving a world to which I never truly belonged or fit in. Do not weep for me, or mourn my passing. I say this not because I expect to be missed, but to allow those who truly did not care go on with their lives with a clean conscience and dry eyes. I know you don't want to weep for me. So don't. But I do ask you to listen to the final words of a young man who has taken charge of his own destiny.
Perhaps my parents might feel something inside which causes them to shed tears. They may pretend that it's sorrow for their "loss", but I hope it is something else. Perhaps sorrow for bringing a child into this world when they really didn't have the time or desire to raise him. I wasn't the product of love, born of a desire to prepare another human being to grow and lead the human race. I was merely the next acquisition, the next task, the next project on their list of things that bring significance.
No child should be brought into this world for the mere purpose of being just another possession. I am not an asset to be cataloged and listed on your tax forms beside your house and car, or fought over during your divorce proceedings. I am a human being. I'm sorry that it took this to make you realize that. If you don't yet get it, then I'm even sorrier.
What about my teachers? Will they be sorry to see another student become a statistic? Certainly the administration and Principal Chowning will mourn, as my death will not reflect well on them as an institution. Well, I apologize for making the statistics for your administration worse. But I don't expect an apology for the false sympathies of people like Mrs. Dunfee, and the broken promises of others like Mr. Richman.
As for my fellows students, those who made a more significant impact on my life, I know better than to expect my tormentors to mourn.
But if I'm going to address those who belittled me, I'd be remiss if I failed to include the ladies in my life. I guess that's not entirely accurate, as the ones I refer to fall in two basic categories: those who refused to be in my life, and those who I would rather have excluded from my life. In the former category, Melinda Tunney, Jessica Silvers, and dear Kimmy Vanover, whose laughed in my face after I asked her to the homecoming dance, humiliating me in front of I don't know how many other classmates. In the latter category are too many to mention, though I must single out Rebecca Cull and Vanessa Dietrich for their tremendous dedication to the cause of destroying any shred of self-esteem I might dare to foster. Why can't you accept the things that make other people different rather than insisting everyone conforms to your will?
Sure, some did offer friendly gestures. Nicole Edwards often would greet me and ask about my life. Not that I ever felt comfortable enough to tell her anything; I never trusted her enough to give her the chance. What was the purpose? Did you really give a flip about the shy, quiet kid who sat behind you in 8th grade history? Or was it all about creating an illusion that you care, just to guarantee my voting for you as a class officer.
I can only conceive of one person in this world who will truly be sad at my parting. Marty, my best friend, you talked me out of this decision three times before. You even called 911 after I swallowed a bottle of pills. That is why I did not tell you anything this time, and why I do this in secret, alone. I wish you were coming with me on this great adventure, into the final frontier. Where ever I go, yours will be the one face I carry with me. The one soul I will miss. Yours is also the only forgiveness I ask and beg for as I depart from this life. I love you, and always will.
There's another group I have not yet addressed: those not like me who left me alone. Or I should say ignored me. I appreciate your sparing me any further harassment, but your inaction, your withheld hellos and how are yous did more to hurt than any name calling. Your inaction effectively excluded me from student life, from the human race. You left me isolated and alone, and no words I could say can convey to you the suffering you caused. I could name names, but in doing so, I would do more now for you than you ever did for me in life.
I do not know if what awaits me at the end of this gun. Will there be a void? Or will I come face to face with God? I just don't care any more. If you're anything like your people, I wouldn't want to know you. You preached to love one another, yet I've felt everything except love from Christians. Even if I could know you were different, well, I still reject you. You have left your "followers" to treat people like me poorly. You have allowed so many of the people you "love", including me, to suffer. So you want me to trust you with my life? I don't want to spend eternity with a careless deity like you, or with the company you keep.
As my final moments tick away, I wonder what impact these words will create. It depends first on this web site being found, as I doubt whether school administration will want such venom spoken publicly about their lack of caring. Still, the Internet is a remarkable place where even the least significant individual can be heard. Will anyone listen? Will anyone take action? Will students pause and pay attention to the hurting hearts around them? And even if they do, will it be a temporary salve for their egos, to convince themselves they're really not bad people… or will real change happen?
My heart certainly goes out to my fellow outsiders. With me gone, some of you will certainly feel more of the pain and hurt that I did. No one understands you. No one cares how your day is going. No one bothers to get to know you as anything more than a nerd, a geek, a loser. You can do nothing for their social status, save the occasional boost to the ego they get from putting you in your place. Some of you, like Andy Riker, will find outlets in writing. Some, like James Moon, will have an escape in art. Some, like Sean Gilbert, will live their lives pursuing unicorns that they will never, ever catch. I never had a talent to lose myself in, or a dream or unicorn to chase, and so I have taken the path most dreaded. Some of you may soon join me, and I look forward to welcoming a brother or sister to the land where you will never suffer the loneliness and rejection that faces you now.
Farewell forever. I am going to another place. Where, I do not know. But logic dictates that it can only be an improvement. Perhaps my passing will only prove a footnote in a school yearbook. Then again, perhaps the sacrifice of one might bring hope to others. If my death makes life for one person a little more bearable, or a little more enlightened, do I really die in vain?
"The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few, or the one."
- Adam Krieger
What is wrong with people? Why do people feel the need to belittle and constantly put down others? There is nothing more that I hate than bullies. I used to get picked on as a kid. Just about everything this kid mentioned has happened to me. I was ignored, picked on, made fun of, beaten up. I felt worthless and like no one cared. I hated my life, and had contemplated suicide more than once. I am so glad that I am here today, because now I realize that my life is so important. The Christian thing is what bothered me the most. James 3:9-10 states that "with the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse human beings, who have been made in God’s likeness. Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers and sisters, this should not be." How can you say you love God and not the people he created? As Christians we are called to set a positive example to others. Is putting others down, making fun of others, and beating others up really setting a good example? No wonder so many of my non-christian friends think Christianity is messed up. It's God's people that are messed up. You don't realize the impact your words and actions have on others. I still remember the things kids used to say to me in middle school. How many more suicides is it gonna take before people realize what they are doing to those around them? It is so sad that someone feels so unloved that they take their own life. I believe all of life is worth living. When asked what the greatest commandments were what did Jesus say? Love God, and love others. That's it. Jesus left us with a few simple rules to follow and still people can't seem to get the loving others part right. I encourage all of you to think about you words before you say them and think about what you are doing to those around you. You really don't know the impact you have until it's too late.
So I got my conch pierced...again! On my right ear this time. To be honest, I wasn't completely satisfied with my other one. I mean the lady that did it was so nice and whatnot, but she just didn't angle it right. I like the general placement of it I just hate the angle at which it comes out of my ear and there's really nothing I can do about that, except take it out and have it redone which I don't really want to do. I don't mind it that much so I'm just gonna leave it like it is. I kind of expected it to be angled a certain way and it wasn't. I just assumed it was going to be straight and it definitely was not straight.
So I had planned on getting both done eventually anyway and I figured what the heck, I'll just do it tonight. It's sort of a graduation present to myself since I just graduated from Valencia. So I went to this place called Orlando Tattoo Company (http://www.orlandotattoocompany.com). Go check them out they are awesome! Seriously the best place I have been to and I have been to multiple piercing places, so that's saying a lot. I found them one day when I was driving home from school and decided to look them up and I'm so glad I did.
I was definitely a lot more nervous this time since the second time around always hurts worse than the first so I almost psyched myself out it but I finally decided what the heck I'm just gonna suck it up and do it since I really wanted it done. So yeah. So let's see. I was pierced by a guy named Steve-o. He's so awesome. Definitely knows what he's doing and makes you feel at ease the whole time you are getting pierced. What I really liked about him was that he took the time to make sure the angle was straight so that it would come out of my ear right. I was so thankful for that.
So I filled out a bunch of paperwork, you know the general stuff you have to fill out. And then I went back into this small really clean room and he got everything set up. He cleaned my ear and then marked it. This time, I got it more in the middle and kinda lower down then before. I think I like this better. Yeah so he showed me how it was going to sit on my ear and I liked it so now came the fun part haha.
He took the needle and lined it up with the dot on my ear and asked me if I was ready which I was (and I don't know what he would have done if I said I wasn't lol) and told me to take a deep breath, and on the exhale he pushed it through my ear. It took him two pushes to get it through cuz that's a super thick part of your ear, but it wasn't bad. It did hurt more than the first time, but it still wan't nearly as awful as I was expecting. I heard it pop as it came out of my ear which was kinda weird. The popping didn't hurt, it was just weird. I was expecting it to hurt more coming out but this was not the case. I was relieved that putting in the jewelry wasn't bad at all. The reason this hurt so much with my other one was because of the angle it was at.
Yeah so all in all it was a wonderful experience and I am fer sure going back to him for any other piercing I get!
1. I hate wet hair. There is nothing I despise more then having wet hair. I hate the way it feels, especially on my back. It's awful. It's also the reason why I hardly ever go swimming. I even have a ritual for when I get out of the shower to make sure my wet hair doesn't touch my back. Yes I am that paranoid.
2. I'm a very optimistic person and try to see the good in everyone. I always try and find the silver lining even when there might not be one. I always tend to give people the benefit of the doubt and find good qualities in everyone.
3. I love Jesus. That should be self explanatory, but I will elaborate. I fully believe that he died for my sins and rose again three days later. He is the guiding force in my life and always will be.
4. I love piercings and tattoos. (Notice I didn't say body modification in general because I do not like all forms of body modification) I don't know what it is about it, I just think piercings and tattoos are such a great way to express yourself. I love different ear piercings especially and think they look good on a lot of people.
5. I am very self conscious. I don't have a high self esteem and have a hard time finding good qualities I like about myself. Thank you middle school for completely ruining my self esteem.
6. I really hate going out on dates. I do it because it's the norm, but I hate it. I hate having to get dressed up and just the formality of it. It's always awkward, especially when you don't know the person well and even if you do it's still awkward. And I'm always scared that a guy is gonna try and kiss me on our first date which I'm not into. It just makes the whole date weird because I spend it thinking about what's gonna happen when he drops me off at home.
7. I love old school black and white photography! I love being able to develop the film myself and print the pictures myself. I love being able to distort the images in the darkroom and make really contrasty prints. It's so much fun and makes you feel so accomplished knowing that you did everything to make the image come out on paper. I love it.
8. I hate the way things turned out between my brother and I. I love him sooooo much and wish things were different. I miss him and desperately want a relationship with him. I think about him all the time and hope he's doing okay. I am so jealous of all the people who have good relationships with their siblings. What I would give to have him back in my life.
9. I don't like to read. I really hate reading, which is funny because I love to write. You will never find me with a book unless it's school related or the Bible. I've never gotten into reading and would rather spend my time doing other things.
10. I never go clothes shopping because I always try to convince myself that I'm going to lose weight and want to wait until I've lost the weight I've wanted before I buy new clothes. It really is a dumb way of thinking about it, since I haven't lost weight and shouldn't rely on myself losing weight to buy new clothes.
Take a breath I pull myself together Just another step till I reach the door You'll never know the way it tears me up inside to see you I wish that I could tell you something To take it all away
Sometimes I wish I could save you And there're so many things that I want you to know I won't give up till it's over If it takes you forever I want you to know
When I hear your voice Its drowning in a whisper It's just skin and bones There's nothing left to take And no matter what I do I can't make you feel better If only I could find the answer To help me understand
Sometimes I wish I could save you And there're so many things that I want you to know I wont give up till it's over If it takes you forever I want you to know
That if you fall, stumble down I'll pick you up off the ground If you lose faith in you I'll give you strength to pull through Tell me you won't give up cause I'll be waiting if you fall Oh you know I'll be there for you
(Ahahaha) If only I could find the answer To take it all away
Sometimes i wish i could save you And there're so many things that I want you to know I wont give up till it's over If it takes you forever I want you to know (Oh) I wish I could save you I want you to know (Ohohh) I wish I could save you (oh)
Every line of this song completely describes how I feel about my mom. I know we fight, and disagree on a lot of things, but in the end, I love her, and I want her to get better. It makes me feel awful to see her like this. I know it's gonna take a while for them to find a cure, but God how I wish I could make the pain go away. It hurts me inside to know that she's hurting, and every time I see her in pain, it brings tears to my eyes. I don't know why life dealt her the cards they did, but I wish I could give her her life back. I want her to be able to enjoy life and to do things she wants to do and not be restricted because of her stupid disease. Life's not supposed to be easy, and I get that. But for once I just want to see my mom truly happy, and the pain gone. I love you mom! You can't ever give up the fight; I know you're stronger than this. You can win this! Keep your head up, and your hopes up!
See that bar in the middle of my ear? It's my conch. And I have completely fallen in love with it. I don't really know what possessed me to get my conch pierced, but it had been over a year since I had gotten something done with my friend Taylor, so I got my conch pierced. And I finally decided to write about it since I know everyone wants to know all about it.
Let's see. I got it done this past Tuesday by a girl named Liz. You can check her website out here: http://www.skinliz.com/ She's awesome. I found her online and read good reviews so I decided to give it a shot.
So here's what went down. She cleaned my ear, and then marked it a kajillion times haha. I knew where I wanted it, but it was hard to convey that to her. Eventually she marked a spot that I was satisfied with. The probably took like five minutes. Then she had me lay down which was actually so much better than sitting up. It was so much more comfy. And plus it gave me less of a chance to move or whatever when she was doing it.
Now 95% of the stories I've read and of the things people have told me led me to believe this was going to hurt like hell. Everything I had heard or read said that this was the worst pain ever, and that it bled like crazy, etc. So I had been second guessing myself and wondering if I really wanted it. But I finally decided that no matter how bad the pain was, I was going to go through with it.
So she lined up the needle with the dot on my ear and pushed it through and well, it wasn't bad at all. I was expecting massive amounts of pain, and there wasn't any. It was probably my least painful piercing. I mean yes it hurt, but it was nothing compared to any of my other piercings. At first it just felt like a lot of pressure, and then as it was coming out the back of my ear it felt kind of like a dull ache. And by that time it was through and the pain went away.
The worst part by far was when she slid the bar in. Now that hurt. A lot. But it was quick and before I knew it she had the balls screwed on, and I was done. And I didn't bleed at all, which I was surprised about.
I am so happy with my conch piercing. It looks so awesome, and wasn't bad at all. I really don't know how I got so lucky with this piercing. It doesn't hurt now, unless I touch it or it gets knocked. It's not swollen or anything.
But please don't just take my words for face value. Just because I had such a good experience doesn't mean you will if you decide to get this done. Everyone's different. I remember when I got my industrial. That was the worst pain ever! That hurt soooooooooo bad!!! I remember telling myself I was never ever going to do that again. But then I also have friends that have gotten their industrial who said it didn't hurt. So it's different for everyone. But don't let the pain deter you from getting it done if you want it. It's like 2 seconds of pain for an awesome looking piercing! I love mine so much that I'm eventually gonna get my right one done once I can sleep on my left one.
If you have any questions you can email me at adamsjordan21@yahoo.com :]
Do you ever have those times where you've screwed up, and there's really nothing you can do about it? Well that's me tonight.
First off, I'm not very good at remembering to write thank you notes. And I would much much rather say thank you in person or over the phone as opposed to writing a note. I never really know what to say in a thank you note besides thank you. A lot of times people just send me money, and usually it goes in my savings. Well my mom was talking to my aunt on the phone, and my aunt was asking if I got the birthday card she sent me a couple months ago. I told her I did and I thanked her for it. But stupid me forgot to write a thank you note and send it to her. My mom said she felt so embarrassed having to tell her that I got the card and now she doesn't want to talk to me. Cool.
And then to top it off, my mom was telling me how much she was craving something sweet, so I made brownies. She was not happy. She was complaining about how her sugar was high, and how she was trying to watch her sweets intake and how I was making it so difficult for her and all this crap. I can't unbake the brownies. She doesn't have to eat them. It just bothers me that she tells me she wants something sweet, and then gets upset and angry when I make brownies. I don't even know what to do. She obviously doesn't want anything to do with me.
