I realize that it has been almost two years since I had last posted a blog. I always tell myself I am going to post more often, and I promise it will happen. I have another blog in the works, but this one is going to come first as I have some things that happened today that I need to get off my chest.
Today was one of those days where I felt like shit. Today started out great and then took two turns for the worst. Today, my parents went down to Tampa to visit my grandma and dad's brother as my grandma is not doing well health wise. I stayed home to dog sit. My mom didn't want to go and kept trying get out of going but I eventually talked her into it. (I really wanted that alone time haha). I'll be going down there in about a week and a half to visit when I see Underoath on the 18th. While my parents were gone, I made this super delicious baked spaghetti. Now, my track record for baking things other than sweets is not great. I have had more failures than successes. This one actually turned out amazing. I was shocked. One of the best things I have ever made if I do say so myself. It was so good. I made a huge batch, enough for my parents and I for the next couple of days. I was excited for my parents to eat it. I was thinking they could eat it for dinner when they got back from Tampa. I called them this evening to ask when they would be coming home. I told them about the really awesome baked spaghetti I had made. My parents said they were going to stop at Cracker Barrel for dinner. I got somewhat upset or peeved if you will and here's why. My birthday was a few weeks ago and we had yet to go out to eat for my birthday dinner. It had always been one excuse after another with my mom. It was either she didn't feel like it, or that she had to shower, do her hair and make up and it was going to take too long. I kept telling her that I was not putting any effort into getting ready and told her that it didn't matter what she looked like because we were not going to see anyone we know. I've been asking her a lot recently about going out to eat for my birthday dinner and she keeps saying no but that we will soon.
So anyway, I wasn't really thinking and I told them that I was upset that they were going to eat without me and brought up not going out to eat for my birthday yet. There was other stuff said but I can't think straight enough to remember it all right now. So that phone conversation ended and then a few minutes later my dad had called me back and said now my mom didn't want to go to Cracker Barrel because I was mad I think he said because I was going to be upset at her for not eating the food that I had made. I finally told him to do whatever they wanted. I said if you want to eat out that's fine, you can eat my pasta tomorrow. It got to the point where it's like whatever, it's not worth fighting anymore over. The big issue was that apparently my mom had not eaten since that morning and she is diabetic. However, it is pretty characteristic for her not to eat. She never eats lunch and has eaten late dinners on multiple occasions.
So my parents got home, and my dad was notably pissed off at me. I think the reason why was because sometimes my mom gets in these moods where she won't eat and she changed her mind about going to Cracker Barrel because of me resulting in them not going. So my dad starts going off on me. First he says I have two good things to say and one bad thing to say. I honestly had no idea what was coming. It was kind of weird the way he started it out. So the two good things were something about him thanking me for watching the dogs for him and my mom. The bad thing was related to my attitude over the phone with him and my mom. Apparently according to my parents I gave off the vibe that I was going to be very upset with them if they ate out. I told them that that wasn't my intention to come off that way. I mean yeah I was somewhat upset, as stated above but at the end of the day it's whatever. So my dad kept going on and on about my attitude and told me that I have a habit of doing these kinds of things (which cut deep, might I add.) My parents went on about how they never go out by themselves and wanted to do a date night to be able to spend some time alone. To be honest, the thought never crosses my mind because my parents never go out on dates. I can't remember one date that my parents have ever been on. Ever since my mom got sick, she stays at home 99% of the time. My mom was like you need to think before you say things. I don't know. I can't remember everything that was said. I just remember feeling so small. Things that hadn't even crossed my mind were now flooding my thoughts, making me feel even more like shit.
So they didn't stop and get food along the way. At the end of our lovely conversation, my dad said he was going to get BBQ and left the house. That really pissed me off because I had the pasta that I had made. I know he did it on purpose to make me feel bad. He even told me that he may or may not eat my pasta tomorrow. I will admit that there are times where I do fight with my mom just to fight with her. Sometimes I will get smart or snarky with her. The reason being that I still have hate and resentment towards her that stems from my childhood. The whole situation was weird, but it made me feel so bad. Even now writing this I feel like shit. I feel like there is a knot in my chest. I hate being made to feel this way, especially as an adult. Unfortunately, this isn't the only thing that happened tonight.
So my mom got a new dog about a year ago. It's a toy poodle, but she's really tiny. She's about 10 pounds. She's really feisty and has a lot of energy so sometimes I play with her. Well tonight was no different than any other, I started out by dragging her with a small towel where she will grab one end and pull and I will pull on the other end. I wasn't doing anything to hurt her. So then I grabbed one of her stuffed toys and threw it across the room for her to fetch it. I threw it once and she brought it back. I threw it again, and as she turned around and started running to go get it, I hear her yelping really loud and saw her start limping. I honestly don't know what happened. I didn't touch her, I only threw her toy. Her leg looked really bad. She was holding one of her back legs up and couldn't walk. My mom looked at me for an explanation. I told her about me throwing her toy and then kept reiterating that I did not touch her. My mom was in hysterics. This dog means so much to her. She was so upset, bawling her eyes out. I didn't know what to do. She told me that I was playing too rough with her which was far from the truth. This dog is constantly running around like a maniac, sometimes jumping on and off the couches and running laps around the loveseat. I'm really hoping she's okay. I took her up to my dad. We put her on the floor and she was walking okay. She had a slight limp in her back leg, but it was nothing like it was when the accident occurred. I guess we will see tomorrow if it's something serious or not. I just kept getting shit on tonight. These area all reasons why I can't wait to move into my own place. There will be no more pointless drama. I won't feel bad anymore. No more fighting with my parents. No more of my parents making me feel like crap. Just me being able to live my life in peace and being able to do what I want and not have to worry about my parents yelling at me. Unfortunately it won't happen for a while because I am jobless and am still paying off my car and student loans. I need time to heal and I don't think it's going to happen at home with my parents.
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