life ramblings

The post I just posted was from a couple of months ago. I just never got around to posting it, or finishing it for that matter. Damn, so much has been going on in my life recently, and not much of it has been good. I know I say this in every post, but I really don't know where to start.
For starters, I've been really sick this last month. It started at the end of April with my throat hurting really bad. I went to Care Spot and they gave me some antibiotics. I guess my throat infection turned into a sinus infection because I became really congested and stuffy. Then a couple of weeks ago, I went to the beach for the first time in months, and the day after, I noticed my ear hurting. I went back to care spot, and the doctor said it looked really red, and determined it was an ear infection. Then this past Friday I went to Denny's with a couple of friends and got food poisoning. I woke up that night with the worst stomach pain and diarrhea. I've been sitting on the couch all weekend watching the X Games, feeling like crap. It has literally been one thing after another. It's weird because I never get sick.

So, I got hired at Children's Home Society as a Case Manager. I thought that was what I wanted, until training. Training has made me totally second guess myself. This job is a lot, and it's going to be difficult. We've been covering interviewing for information the last few days and the practice interviews we've been doing have been killing me. I feel like I never know the right things to ask. To some people in my training class it just seems to come so naturally. Also, I am terrible with kids. It's not that I want to be or try to be. I'm just really bad around kids. I never know what to say to them, or how to engage them in conversation. I feel like I just freeze up when I am around them. I don't want to be that way, but I don't know how to be more kid friendly.

We did these role plays and I was the interviewer. The person I was interviewing was a 9 year old kid who was really aggressive and was breaking everything in her foster parent's house. I didn't even know where to begin. She obviously had put a wall up between me and her and she wasn't going to open up to me. I asked her about the last time she got to visit with her mom and she got angry and said her mom did not show up for the last visit. I didn't know what to say to that. I'm sorry is not going to cut it. It sucks that this is the reality for some kids. I'm sure she felt worthless and unlovable. But what could I say to change that? I felt like a failure. I am really afraid that I am going do a home visit and miss the signs. I'm afraid I am not going to ask the right questions, and end up missing something important. What also plays against me is that I look young and I have no kids. How can I tell someone that they are being a bad parent or give parenting advice when I don't have any kids myself? I'm afraid people are not going to want to take me seriously or listen to me.
I really have a problem finishing posts. I have to be in the mood to write. Recently I just haven't been feeling it. Too much has been going on. I know I say this every time, but it really is true. Yesterday I got into a car accident. Definitely not something I needed. Especially since my insurance said they were going to drop me the next time I got into an accident, and not having insurance means I would get fired. I was pulling into part of the parking lot at the office where my training is. There was parking on both sides of the part of the lot I was parking in, and I had passed a closer parking spot, so I began backing up so that I could pull into the spot that I had passed. At the time that I had pulled in, no one was behind me or coming in any direction so I continued backing up with the intention of backing up in front of the spot and pulling straight in. I guess one of my coworkers had pulled into the lot, and I don't know if he didn't see me backing up (which would have been impossible) or didn't realize that I was backing up and I backed into the side of his car as he was was driving down the parking lot. My car's bumper got badly dented and most of the driver's side of his car was scratched and dented slightly. It's not too bad, but still bad enough. I felt awful. I almost wish it wasn't a coworker so as to save myself the embarrassment. I was more worried about what my parents would say because it was their car and I have a bad track record when it comes to driving. They already complain about the scratches and dents on their car and make fun of me all of the time for those incidents.

If it was my own car I wouldn't care as much because I wouldn't have to hold myself or my actions accountable to anyone else. I could just get it fixed and not feel so terrible about it. Of course someone I'm in training with had to be outside when the accident happened. She was kind of laughing about it. I felt like shit. This is seriously the last thing I need to add to my already long list of problems in my life. I begged my coworker not to make me go the insurance route because I was at risk of being dropped. I told him I would pay for whatever damage was done to his car. There goes all of my savings and my next paycheck. So much for me buying a car anytime soon. I feel like it's awkward every time I see him now. I was in the bathroom trying to pull myself together before class and one of my classmates was in there fixing her makeup and she saw me crying and I told her what had happened. She told me my other coworker could report it as a hit and run and that way his car would get fixed and I wouldn't have to tell my insurance. Thank God she and another friend were there because I was a mess. She ended up talking to the coworker I hit during one of our breaks and I guess she must have told him I was really upset about it because he was being nicer to me than usual the rest of the day. I had talked to him today and he said he was going to get an estimate tomorrow. I insisted that I would pay for it out of pocket, which in retrospect I feel like I shouldn't have but I just felt so awful about what happened I felt like I needed to pay for the damage. I don't know if he contacted his insurance yet but today he was telling me he was going to need my insurance info and I was like I can't. I'm going to be dropped if they find out about this. I thought he was doing the whole hit and run thing, but I'm not sure now. I'm hoping it's not too expensive so I can just pay for it out of pocket.

On the bright side, I got to see my favorite singer ever Jason Lancaster perform last night for his album premier. He was incredible! It may have been one of the best shows I have ever been to. The first four bands that played weren't that great to be honest, but Jason was worth the wait. The cover he did of Hey Jude was so amazing live. A coworker and her roommate went with me. I hoped they enjoyed it. I know they didn't like the first four bands, but I at least hope they liked Jason. I am so lucky that he lives in Orlando because he does small shows like this in Orlando. He has this one song on his new album called "Save Me" and it's my favorite. It's about him coming back to God and how Jesus saved him. It's so beautiful. I love Jason's new album, but to be honest I really like the stuff he did with Go Radio better. I can't put my finger on what it is, but I just think his Go Radio albums are better. He has such a unique voice that is just so captivating and filled with passion. He puts so much heart and soul into everything he sings. He has the best voice in my opinion. This might sound crazy, but I really want him to play at my wedding. Now, I'm not getting married anytime soon, but if and when I do, I desperately want him to play at my wedding. I will die if that doesn't happen. I am so serious.

As a side note, I am really thankful for one of my training classmates. He is such an amazing human being. He is an awesome encourager and has totally renewed my faith in God. I am so blessed to have had him in my life.

That's really all I have to say for now. I know this blog was all over the place but I have a million and one things going through my head. My mind can never stay in one place. I am just really hoping things will start looking up.