Adam's Song.

I found the suicide note of Adam Krieger, the boy that Blink 182 wrote a song about. I encourage all of you to read this and hope it has an impact on your life. 

To the man and woman who chose to conceive a child, the result of which was me, when it fit in with their five year plan;

To the teachers who never really cared, no matter what they say;

To my fellow geeks, dweebs, et. al., who will no doubt receive more abuse upon my passing, as my tormentors will no longer have me to kick around;

To my fellow students who made my life a living nightmare when they should have focused on their education;

To those who never cared, never spoke, probably never knew my name;

To the one true friend, whose caring was the only thing that prevented this even from happening sooner;

To the God, if he does exist, who chose to play a cruel, cruel joke on me when he placed me where he did and surrounded me with so many uncaring faces;

To all of you, goodbye.

I am leaving a world to which I never truly belonged or fit in. Do not weep for me, or mourn my passing. I say this not because I expect to be missed, but to allow those who truly did not care go on with their lives with a clean conscience and dry eyes. I know you don't want to weep for me. So don't. But I do ask you to listen to the final words of a young man who has taken charge of his own destiny.

Perhaps my parents might feel something inside which causes them to shed tears. They may pretend that it's sorrow for their "loss", but I hope it is something else. Perhaps sorrow for bringing a child into this world when they really didn't have the time or desire to raise him. I wasn't the product of love, born of a desire to prepare another human being to grow and lead the human race. I was merely the next acquisition, the next task, the next project on their list of things that bring significance.

No child should be brought into this world for the mere purpose of being just another possession. I am not an asset to be cataloged and listed on your tax forms beside your house and car, or fought over during your divorce proceedings. I am a human being. I'm sorry that it took this to make you realize that. If you don't yet get it, then I'm even sorrier.

What about my teachers? Will they be sorry to see another student become a statistic? Certainly the administration and Principal Chowning will mourn, as my death will not reflect well on them as an institution. Well, I apologize for making the statistics for your administration worse. But I don't expect an apology for the false sympathies of people like Mrs. Dunfee, and the broken promises of others like Mr. Richman.

As for my fellows students, those who made a more significant impact on my life, I know better than to expect my tormentors to mourn.

But if I'm going to address those who belittled me, I'd be remiss if I failed to include the ladies in my life. I guess that's not entirely accurate, as the ones I refer to fall in two basic categories: those who refused to be in my life, and those who I would rather have excluded from my life. In the former category, Melinda Tunney, Jessica Silvers, and dear Kimmy Vanover, whose laughed in my face after I asked her to the homecoming dance, humiliating me in front of I don't know how many other classmates. In the latter category are too many to mention, though I must single out Rebecca Cull and Vanessa Dietrich for their tremendous dedication to the cause of destroying any shred of self-esteem I might dare to foster. Why can't you accept the things that make other people different rather than insisting everyone conforms to your will?

Sure, some did offer friendly gestures. Nicole Edwards often would greet me and ask about my life. Not that I ever felt comfortable enough to tell her anything; I never trusted her enough to give her the chance. What was the purpose? Did you really give a flip about the shy, quiet kid who sat behind you in 8th grade history? Or was it all about creating an illusion that you care, just to guarantee my voting for you as a class officer.

I can only conceive of one person in this world who will truly be sad at my parting. Marty, my best friend, you talked me out of this decision three times before. You even called 911 after I swallowed a bottle of pills. That is why I did not tell you anything this time, and why I do this in secret, alone. I wish you were coming with me on this great adventure, into the final frontier. Where ever I go, yours will be the one face I carry with me. The one soul I will miss. Yours is also the only forgiveness I ask and beg for as I depart from this life. I love you, and always will.

There's another group I have not yet addressed: those not like me who left me alone. Or I should say ignored me. I appreciate your sparing me any further harassment, but your inaction, your withheld hellos and how are yous did more to hurt than any name calling. Your inaction effectively excluded me from student life, from the human race. You left me isolated and alone, and no words I could say can convey to you the suffering you caused. I could name names, but in doing so, I would do more now for you than you ever did for me in life.

I do not know if what awaits me at the end of this gun. Will there be a void? Or will I come face to face with God? I just don't care any more. If you're anything like your people, I wouldn't want to know you. You preached to love one another, yet I've felt everything except love from Christians. Even if I could know you were different, well, I still reject you. You have left your "followers" to treat people like me poorly. You have allowed so many of the people you "love", including me, to suffer. So you want me to trust you with my life? I don't want to spend eternity with a careless deity like you, or with the company you keep.

As my final moments tick away, I wonder what impact these words will create. It depends first on this web site being found, as I doubt whether school administration will want such venom spoken publicly about their lack of caring. Still, the Internet is a remarkable place where even the least significant individual can be heard. Will anyone listen? Will anyone take action? Will students pause and pay attention to the hurting hearts around them? And even if they do, will it be a temporary salve for their egos, to convince themselves they're really not bad people… or will real change happen?

My heart certainly goes out to my fellow outsiders. With me gone, some of you will certainly feel more of the pain and hurt that I did. No one understands you. No one cares how your day is going. No one bothers to get to know you as anything more than a nerd, a geek, a loser. You can do nothing for their social status, save the occasional boost to the ego they get from putting you in your place. Some of you, like Andy Riker, will find outlets in writing. Some, like James Moon, will have an escape in art. Some, like Sean Gilbert, will live their lives pursuing unicorns that they will never, ever catch. I never had a talent to lose myself in, or a dream or unicorn to chase, and so I have taken the path most dreaded. Some of you may soon join me, and I look forward to welcoming a brother or sister to the land where you will never suffer the loneliness and rejection that faces you now.

Farewell forever. I am going to another place. Where, I do not know. But logic dictates that it can only be an improvement. Perhaps my passing will only prove a footnote in a school yearbook. Then again, perhaps the sacrifice of one might bring hope to others. If my death makes life for one person a little more bearable, or a little more enlightened, do I really die in vain?

"The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few, or the one."

- Adam Krieger

What is wrong with people? Why do people feel the need to belittle and constantly put down others? There is nothing more that I hate than bullies. I used to get picked on as a kid. Just about everything this kid mentioned has happened to me. I was ignored, picked on, made fun of, beaten up. I felt worthless and like no one cared. I hated my life, and had contemplated suicide more than once. I am so glad that I am here today, because now I realize that my life is so important. 
The Christian thing is what bothered me the most. James 3:9-10 states that "with the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse human beings, who have been made in God’s likeness. Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers and sisters, this should not be." How can you say you love God and not the people he created? As Christians we are called to set a positive example to others. Is putting others down, making fun of others, and beating others up really setting a good example? No wonder so many of my non-christian friends think Christianity is messed up. It's God's people that are messed up. You don't realize the impact your words and actions have on others. I still remember the things kids used to say to me in middle school. How many more suicides is it gonna take before people realize what they are doing to those around them? It is so sad that someone feels so unloved that they take their own life. I believe all of life is worth living. When asked what the greatest commandments were what did Jesus say? Love God, and love others. That's it. Jesus left us with a few simple rules to follow and still people can't seem to get the loving others part right. I encourage all of you to think about you words before you say them and think about what you are doing to those around you. You really don't know the impact you have until it's too late. 

Got my conch pierced...again

So I got my conch pierced...again! On my right ear this time. To be honest, I wasn't completely satisfied with my other one. I mean the lady that did it was so nice and whatnot, but she just didn't angle it right. I like the general placement of it I just hate the angle at which it comes out of my ear and there's really nothing I can do about that, except take it out and have it redone which I don't really want to do. I don't mind it that much so I'm just gonna leave it like it is. I kind of expected it to be angled a certain way and it wasn't. I just assumed it was going to be straight and it definitely was not straight.

So I had planned on getting both done eventually anyway and I figured what the heck, I'll just do it tonight. It's sort of a graduation present to myself since I just graduated from Valencia. So I went to this place called Orlando Tattoo Company (http://www.orlandotattoocompany.com). Go check them out they are awesome! Seriously the best place I have been to and I have been to multiple piercing places, so that's saying a lot. I found them one day when I was driving home from school and decided to look them up and I'm so glad I did.

I was definitely a lot more nervous this time since the second time around always hurts worse than the first so I almost psyched myself out it but I finally decided what the heck I'm just gonna suck it up and do it since I really wanted it done. So yeah. So let's see. I was pierced by a guy named Steve-o. He's so awesome. Definitely knows what he's doing and makes you feel at ease the whole time you are getting pierced. What I really liked about him was that he took the time to make sure the angle was straight so that it would come out of my ear right. I was so thankful for that.

So I filled out a bunch of paperwork, you know the general stuff you have to fill out. And then I went back into this small really clean room and he got everything set up. He cleaned my ear and then marked it. This time, I got it more in the middle and kinda lower down then before. I think I like this better. Yeah so he showed me how it was going to sit on my ear and I liked it so now came the fun part haha.

He took the needle and lined it up with the dot on my ear and asked me if I was ready which I was (and I don't know what he would have done if I said I wasn't lol) and told me to take a deep breath, and on the exhale he pushed it through my ear. It took him two pushes to get it through cuz that's a super thick part of your ear, but it wasn't bad. It did hurt more than the first time, but it still wan't nearly as awful as I was expecting. I heard it pop as it came out of my ear which was kinda weird. The popping didn't hurt, it was just weird. I was expecting it to hurt more coming out but this was not the case. I was relieved that putting in the jewelry wasn't bad at all. The reason this hurt so much with my other one was because of the angle it was at.

Yeah so all in all it was a wonderful experience and I am fer sure going back to him for any other piercing I get!

~Jordan 

10 Random Facts About Me!

1. I hate wet hair. There is nothing I despise more then having wet hair. I hate the way it feels, especially on my back. It's awful. It's also the reason why I hardly ever go swimming. I even have a ritual for when I get out of the shower to make sure my wet hair doesn't touch my back. Yes I am that paranoid.

2. I'm a very optimistic person and try to see the good in everyone. I always try and find the silver lining even when there might not be one. I always tend to give people the benefit of the doubt and find good qualities in everyone.

3. I love Jesus. That should be self explanatory, but I will elaborate. I fully believe that he died for my sins and rose again three days later. He is the guiding force in my life and always will be.

4. I love piercings and tattoos. (Notice I didn't say body modification in general because I do not like all forms of body modification) I don't know what it is about it, I just think piercings and tattoos are such a great way to express yourself. I love different ear piercings especially and think they look good on a lot of people.

5. I am very self conscious. I don't have a high self esteem and have a hard time finding good qualities I like about myself. Thank you middle school for completely ruining my self esteem.

6. I really hate going out on dates. I do it because it's the norm, but I hate it. I hate having to get dressed up and just the formality of it. It's always awkward, especially when you don't know the person well and even if you do it's still awkward. And I'm always scared that a guy is gonna try and kiss me on our first date which I'm not into. It just makes the whole date weird because I spend it thinking about what's gonna happen when he drops me off at home.

7. I love old school black and white photography! I love being able to develop the film myself and print the pictures myself. I love being able to distort the images in the darkroom and make really contrasty prints. It's so much fun and makes you feel so accomplished knowing that you did everything to make the image come out on paper. I love it.

8. I hate the way things turned out between my brother and I. I love him sooooo much and wish things were different. I miss him and desperately want a relationship with him. I think about him all the time and hope he's doing okay. I am so jealous of all the people who have good relationships with their siblings. What I would give to have him back in my life.

9. I don't like to read. I really hate reading, which is funny because I love to write. You will never find me with a book unless it's school related or the Bible. I've never gotten into reading and would rather spend my time doing other things.

10. I never go clothes shopping because I always try to convince myself that I'm going to lose weight and want to wait until I've lost the weight I've wanted before I buy new clothes. It really is a dumb way of thinking about it, since I haven't lost weight and shouldn't rely on myself losing weight to buy new clothes.

Save You

Take a breath
I pull myself together
Just another step till I reach the door
You'll never know the way it tears me up inside to see you
I wish that I could tell you something
To take it all away

Sometimes I wish I could save you
And there're so many things that I want you to know
I won't give up till it's over
If it takes you forever I want you to know

When I hear your voice
Its drowning in a whisper
It's just skin and bones
There's nothing left to take
And no matter what I do I can't make you feel better
If only I could find the answer
To help me understand

Sometimes I wish I could save you
And there're so many things that I want you to know
I wont give up till it's over
If it takes you forever I want you to know

That if you fall, stumble down
I'll pick you up off the ground
If you lose faith in you
I'll give you strength to pull through
Tell me you won't give up cause I'll be waiting if you fall
Oh you know I'll be there for you

(Ahahaha)
If only I could find the answer
To take it all away

Sometimes i wish i could save you
And there're so many things that I want you to know
I wont give up till it's over
If it takes you forever I want you to know
(Oh)
I wish I could save you
I want you to know
(Ohohh)
I wish I could save you (oh)

Every line of this song completely describes how I feel about my mom. I know we fight, and disagree on a lot of things, but in the end, I love her, and I want her to get better. It makes me feel awful to see her like this. I know it's gonna take a while for them to find a cure, but God how I wish I could make the pain go away. It hurts me inside to know that she's hurting, and every time I see her in pain, it brings tears to my eyes. I don't know why life dealt her the cards they did, but I wish I could give her her life back. I want her to be able to enjoy life and to do things she wants to do and not be restricted because of her stupid disease. Life's not supposed to be easy, and I get that. But for once I just want to see my mom truly happy, and the pain gone. I love you mom! You can't ever give up the fight; I know you're stronger than this. You can win this! Keep your head up, and your hopes up!

Cool Conch!

See that bar in the middle of my ear? It's my conch. And I have completely fallen in love with it. I don't really know what possessed me to get my conch pierced, but it had been over a year since I had gotten something done with my friend Taylor, so I got my conch pierced. And I finally decided to write about it since I know everyone wants to know all about it.

Let's see. I got it done this past Tuesday by a girl named Liz. You can check her website out here: http://www.skinliz.com/ She's awesome. I found her online and read good reviews so I decided to give it a shot.

So here's what went down. She cleaned my ear, and then marked it a kajillion times haha. I knew where I wanted it, but it was hard to convey that to her. Eventually she marked a spot that I was satisfied with. The probably took like five minutes. Then she had me lay down which was actually so much better than sitting up. It was so much more comfy. And plus it gave me less of a chance to move or whatever when she was doing it.

Now 95% of the stories I've read and of the things people have told me led me to believe this was going to hurt like hell. Everything I had heard or read said that this was the worst pain ever, and that it bled like crazy, etc. So I had been second guessing myself and wondering if I really wanted it. But I finally decided that no matter how bad the pain was, I was going to go through with it.

So she lined up the needle with the dot on my ear and pushed it through and well, it wasn't bad at all. I was expecting massive amounts of pain, and there wasn't any. It was probably my least painful piercing. I mean yes it hurt, but it was nothing compared to any of my other piercings. At first it just felt like a lot of pressure, and then as it was coming out the back of my ear it felt kind of like a dull ache. And by that time it was through and the pain went away.

The worst part by far was when she slid the bar in. Now that hurt. A lot. But it was quick and before I knew it she had the balls screwed on, and I was done. And I didn't bleed at all, which I was surprised about.

I am so happy with my conch piercing. It looks so awesome, and wasn't bad at all. I really don't know how I got so lucky with this piercing. It doesn't hurt now, unless I touch it or it gets knocked. It's not swollen or anything.

But please don't just take my words for face value. Just because I had such a good experience doesn't mean you will if you decide to get this done. Everyone's different. I remember when I got my industrial. That was the worst pain ever! That hurt soooooooooo bad!!! I remember telling myself I was never ever going to do that again. But then I also have friends that have gotten their industrial who said it didn't hurt. So it's different for everyone. But don't let the pain deter you from getting it done if you want it. It's like 2 seconds of pain for an awesome looking piercing! I love mine so much that I'm eventually gonna get my right one done once I can sleep on my left one.

If you have any questions you can email me at adamsjordan21@yahoo.com :]

Happy piercing!

In the wrong

Do you ever have those times where you've screwed up, and there's really nothing you can do about it? Well that's me tonight.

First off, I'm not very good at remembering to write thank you notes. And I would much much rather say thank you in person or over the phone as opposed to writing a note. I never really know what to say in a thank you note besides thank you. A lot of times people just send me money, and usually it goes in my savings. Well my mom was talking to my aunt on the phone, and my aunt was asking if I got the birthday card she sent me a couple months ago. I told her I did and I thanked her for it. But stupid me forgot to write a thank you note and send it to her. My mom said she felt so embarrassed having to tell her that I got the card and now she doesn't want to talk to me. Cool.

And then to top it off, my mom was telling me how much she was craving something sweet, so I made brownies. She was not happy. She was complaining about how her sugar was high, and how she was trying to watch her sweets intake and how I was making it so difficult for her and all this crap. I can't unbake the brownies. She doesn't have to eat them. It just bothers me that she tells me she wants something sweet, and then gets upset and angry when I make brownies. I don't even know what to do. She obviously doesn't want anything to do with me.

Gahhh. Today has sucked.