life ramblings

The post I just posted was from a couple of months ago. I just never got around to posting it, or finishing it for that matter. Damn, so much has been going on in my life recently, and not much of it has been good. I know I say this in every post, but I really don't know where to start.
For starters, I've been really sick this last month. It started at the end of April with my throat hurting really bad. I went to Care Spot and they gave me some antibiotics. I guess my throat infection turned into a sinus infection because I became really congested and stuffy. Then a couple of weeks ago, I went to the beach for the first time in months, and the day after, I noticed my ear hurting. I went back to care spot, and the doctor said it looked really red, and determined it was an ear infection. Then this past Friday I went to Denny's with a couple of friends and got food poisoning. I woke up that night with the worst stomach pain and diarrhea. I've been sitting on the couch all weekend watching the X Games, feeling like crap. It has literally been one thing after another. It's weird because I never get sick.

So, I got hired at Children's Home Society as a Case Manager. I thought that was what I wanted, until training. Training has made me totally second guess myself. This job is a lot, and it's going to be difficult. We've been covering interviewing for information the last few days and the practice interviews we've been doing have been killing me. I feel like I never know the right things to ask. To some people in my training class it just seems to come so naturally. Also, I am terrible with kids. It's not that I want to be or try to be. I'm just really bad around kids. I never know what to say to them, or how to engage them in conversation. I feel like I just freeze up when I am around them. I don't want to be that way, but I don't know how to be more kid friendly.

We did these role plays and I was the interviewer. The person I was interviewing was a 9 year old kid who was really aggressive and was breaking everything in her foster parent's house. I didn't even know where to begin. She obviously had put a wall up between me and her and she wasn't going to open up to me. I asked her about the last time she got to visit with her mom and she got angry and said her mom did not show up for the last visit. I didn't know what to say to that. I'm sorry is not going to cut it. It sucks that this is the reality for some kids. I'm sure she felt worthless and unlovable. But what could I say to change that? I felt like a failure. I am really afraid that I am going do a home visit and miss the signs. I'm afraid I am not going to ask the right questions, and end up missing something important. What also plays against me is that I look young and I have no kids. How can I tell someone that they are being a bad parent or give parenting advice when I don't have any kids myself? I'm afraid people are not going to want to take me seriously or listen to me.

Finally posting this.

I've been putting off/been too tired to write this blog. It's something that I've needed to write for a few weeks, maybe even a month now, but just haven't been able to quite find the right words to describe what has been going on. So much has been going on in my life, and I am going to do my best to put it all into words.

I've been going through a mental breakdown I guess you could say. I don't really know what to call it, but I have been fighting a mental battle that I don't know I can win. Recently, within the last couple of months, I've been suffering from sleep insomnia. I have never felt more exhausted or drained in all of my life, and yet I can't sleep. I wake up so unbearably tired, dragging all day at my internship, and at night I can't sleep. There's no reason why I cannot go to bed earlier. Since I only have my internship, I don't have anything to do most nights of the week. I just can't sleep. I lay in bed for what feels like forever trying to fall asleep and it just doesn't happen. It's like I'm so tired, I'm wide awake. It reminds me of those lock ins we used to have at church. There comes a point where you are so tired that you are wide awake. There have been points where I have almost fallen asleep at my internship. This really scares me. I am only getting on average maybe 5 hours a night if that and I just can't do it anymore. Every day it is the same thing. I don't know what to do at this point. If only falling asleep was that easy.

I've also been mentally struggling with depression and religion. The religion part I could probably write a whole post about, but I will try to keep it short and add it to this post. I don't even know if what I have been feeling would be depression, or what it is, but I've been feeling weird. I've been feeling really irritable and jittery. Like my mind keeps racing all over the place. It's definitely not a good feeling. Maybe it is depression? I'm not really sure what to call it but it has been killing me every day for at least the past month, maybe two. Even my mom told me I haven't been acting myself recently and that she was worried about me.

I think part of this comes from the struggle I've having with life in general. I still don't really know where I am at religion wise or in the direction I want my life to go. I really want to just do my own thing and just be a good person and not worry about sinning or living the way Christians are supposed to live. Sometimes I just want to forget religion all together. I've always been a goody two shoes all my life, and it had nothing to do with religion. I feel like I am supposed to act or behave certain ways because it what Jesus/the Bible tells us to do, but that has never been why I act the way I do. I just believe in being a good person, not because religion says, but just because it is the right thing to do.

I've also become overly obsessed with Teen Wolf and it's really bad. I have to watch myself when it comes to getting obsessed with things, because it takes over my mind and my life and ends up making me really depressed. It's hard to explain. I was so excited last Monday because Monday's are when Teen Wolf comes on. I build it up all day and get so excited only to be let down after I watch the episode. It's not that the episode was bad or anything, I just get so obsessed, and then once it's over I bring myself back to reality and think, oh, I have to go to my internship all day tomorrow.

I went into panic mode last Monday after Teen Wolf ended. I had been having a really rough last week at my internship.

Today sucked.

Today was one of those days where everything was going wrong for me. The whole entire day, it was thing after thing. It all started when I woke up. My mom and I had to go to get a rental car at the Toyota place in Sanford and the whole morning my mom bitched me out. It was one thing after another with her. It didn't matter what I said. According to her I had a bad attitude with her and everything I said was mean and nasty. I didn't say anything to her that was mean or nasty. If I came off that way, that was never my intention. As we were getting off the exit towards the car place, I asked my mom if she knew which way it was because I couldn't remember. She got mad and told me she didn't know, (even though she's been there at least twice). As we are almost there, she starts bitching about me asking her which way to turn off the exit. She said I asked her in a nasty, mean tone and that I was yelling at her. That was not true whatsoever. I never once raised my voice at her and I didn't say it in a mean way. As she got out of the car she told me "I hope you have a better day than the one I'm having." and slammed the door. I don't know what the deal was with her this morning, but she was not happy with me for some reason.

I ended up just dropping her off at the car place because I had to go get drug tested for my internship and was behind on my hours. I waited over an hour and a half to get drug tested, and came to find out I checked the wrong box on the sign-in sheet so that's why they never called me back. They apparently don't have a box for drug testing. I check the specimen drop off box thinking that meant drug test, but no, that means just dropping the specimen off not collecting it there.

So then I totally forgot about my volunteer ucf meeting at school. I was working on certifying a bunch of letters for a co-worker and forgot about the meeting. I get a call at 2:35 from my director, (the meeting was at 2:30), and I played it off like I was about to text her that I wasn't coming. It's just been so crazy these last couple of days. My schedule has been thrown off and I just completely forgot.

Then I got stuck watching two kids at work. They had gotten out of school before their mom was supposed to come to the office for their visit so they were stuck at the office. These kids were so loud. They would not listen to a word I said. They took off and started running around the building, screaming and yelling. The people I work with were getting mad at me because I couldn't control them. I was keeping them in the kitchen but they wouldn't stay. They kept taking off and running around the office screaming, and I couldn't get them to stop. I honestly don't know what I could have done to handle that situation better. Nothing I tried worked.

So then their mom finally came and it was time for their visit. I assumed it was a supervised visit, so I stayed in the room. I thought I was supposed to be watching the visit, and plus the kids asked me to stay, but I guess I wasn't supposed to or didn't have to. After about 5 or so minutes their mom was like "Do you have to be in here? This is my time with my kids and I don't want you in here if you aren't supposed to be or don't have to be. You didn't even introduce yourself." I guess I should have formally introduced myself (I had my tag on) and asked first, but I didn't think about it. I just assumed that I was supposed to be supervising the visit. The mom was not happy with me. I'm hoping she didn't mention anything to the case worker because I don't want to get in trouble.

I left work early after that incident because I was done for the day. I figured I could just work on my child study at home, so I didn't need to stay at the office. I just felt like I really messed up today.

I got home, and my mom was still upset about this morning. I didn't know what to say. I have nothing to apologize for.

I am really just hoping tomorrow is better because today sucked. It's just been one of those days.