So much anger

I don't even know where to begin of if I should even be writing this because it just makes me angrier the more I think about it. So tonight was the Taking Back Sunday show in Melbourne, Fl. Guess who made plans to go? Me. Guess who couldn't go? Me. I have been looking forward to this show for months. The show was part of FIT's homecoming and was free for everyone, not just students. I had made sure to clear my schedule and had quite a few people who told me they would come. I even offered to pick anyone up. There was no excuses  for anyone not to go. First of all it's TBS, second, it's free, and third, I was offering to give people rides for free. Also, Adam's wife just had a baby so they had Spencer Chamberlain (ex-Underoath) fill in on vocals which would have been incredible to see!!!

I had a bunch of people saying they would come, but then the numbers started dwindling down. Hunter ended up going out of town. Heather forgot about it and had already bought a costume for a Halloween party she was going to tonight. Laelda had a friend staying the weekend and she said they only knew a few of TBS's songs so it wasn't worth going. Megan said she would, but she has to work tomorrow at 6am. Massiel said she was working on homework tonight. Peph loves TBS and was planning on going but ended up ditching me for a fundraising thing for one of our class projects (which she totally could've done something else to get hours). Hector said he hates concerts so he didn't want to go (although, he did say he would've went had he known I had no one to go with which is very sweet of him). Jamie was going to go but ended up having too much to do tonight. It was one thing after another with everyone. It's just frustrating because people kept cancelling on me literally last minute.

That wasn't really the big issue. The big issue was my parents. I would of rather gone with friends because this was a festival type thing with vendors and music but I will literally do anything to see TBS. They really are that good. So I was debating on whether or not I should tell my mom that I was going alone because I knew she would be upset. It's not my fault that I have friends who like to cancel last minute, or that I have friends that have no clue who TBS even is. I just can't tell a lie. I would've felt awful the whole ride down there knowing I had lied to my mom about going alone. She flipped out when I told her that. She told me she didn't want me going because it was not safe for me to go alone to an area that I had never been to before. What's crazy is that she let me drive to St. Pete which is farther to Melbourne by myself for Underoath's last show, but she wouldn't let me drive to this concert. It makes no sense. She called my dad to talk to him about me going alone and left him two nasty voice mails about how bad it was. I am not stupid. I am always careful when I go places, especially places I have never been to. I know what to look out for.

Then, my mom tries to tell that she lets me take the car anywhere I want to, and that she had to put her foot down this one time and say no. That is such bs. She always complains about everywhere I want to go being a waste of gas and more miles being put on her car. She has told me no so many times when I have wanted to go places. These were places that were less than an hour away. My dad and I were supposed to trade cars because my mom did not want me driving our beat up corolla all the way to Melbourne, but I wasn't able to get a hold of my dad. I kept calling him and texting him, but he never answered his phone. Apparently he was stuck in a meeting that ran late. He knew I was going to switch cars with him. The concert started at 6 or 630 I think. My dad did not get home til 7pm. Then he told me he thought it was a bad idea for me to be going by myself. He said he did not want me driving that late at night, even though I have driven home at 4 or 5 in the morning before with no problems from him.

Both of them kept telling me no. It made me so upset. I had been planning on going to this for months as I said. TBS is one of my all time favorite bands. I started listening to them in middle school. They are part of what got me into the music I listen to today. They have had such an influence on my life. And to get to see them for free with Underoath's old singer would have made for the best show ever. I was crying I was so upset. Once my mom saw me crying hard she realized this was not just another stupid concert for me. This was something that meant a lot to me and she finally realized that. She told me she was sorry and said she would try to see if she could get my dad to go with me, even though it was already 7pm. That was when I had just about had enough.

Her saying that made me feel like I was 5. I don't need my dad to come with me. I am 21. It makes me so frustrated because if I wasn't living at home, I could go to concerts anytime I wanted to without any hassle from anyone. I felt like a child. I don't need someone with me at all times. I am a grown woman and know how to handle myself. I know that there is danger out there and that I need to be careful, but I am careful! I always watch around me when I am out places. I always keep my guard up.

Since my mom felt bad, she offered to go see a movie with me instead (as if that was going to make up for me missing what could and should have been the best concert of my life). So we went and saw Bad Grandpa. I didn't want to see a movie. I was in a sour mood and didn't even want to talk to her, but I was stuck at home with nothing to do, so I figured I might as well go see the movie. My mom pissed me off further by saying to me during the movie "See, this is better than that concert would have been anyway!" That was about as far from the truth as you could get. That had me fuming, but I tried to let it go and enjoy the rest of the movie (which I did). I worked my ass off today to get all of my Friday assignments done before I was going to leave for the concert so I ended up having nothing to do tonight. I literally sat on my bed on the computer doing nothing.

So much anger and frustration. I missed my favorite band and one of the best vocalists. That is never going to happen again. I'm telling my parents that they are paying for my ticket the next time TBS is in town (which probably won't be for at least another year, if at all).

I am just so worried about this Colorado trip Peph and I are planning for Xmas. If my parents won't even let me drive an hour and fiftenen minutes to see TBS then I doubt they would let me drive three days to Colorado to see OneRepublic. Even though we are renting a car, so she can't use the miles and gas thing as an excuse, I have a feeling she won't let me go. Now is the perfect time for me to be doing these things while I have no obligations such as work or kids. TBS has been around for 10 years so I need to see them before they break up. My parent's can't shelter me forever. They need to realize that.

Christianity, social work, and life.

This is probably going to be a long blog post, just to warn any of you reading this. It spurred from seeing OneRepublic Friday and then hanging out with Sarah Saturday. (I know they sound like they don't connect, but I promise they will by the end of this.)

I’ve been in a really weird mood recently. It’s hard to describe what I’m feeling, but I don’t like these feelings. What I want to talk about are things that I have been struggling with in regards to religion and social work, and even life itself. Sarah and I a little while back had this conversation about being Christian and being in social work. We never really reached a conclusion. What I want to talk about kind of goes off of that. I’m sorry if this goes all over the place. So much is going through my mind.

I feel obligated since I am in social work to be preachy. I feel like my job should be faith related, and that in my job I should be trying to bring people to Christ. But to be totally honest, that is not what I want to do at all. I’ve been doing a lot of research and reading a lot of articles online that have talked about how all Christians are supposed be in some sort of ministry. I even read a story about a girl who was going to be on Broadway. She was really into theatre and said she prayed about finding God’s will for her life and said she felt called to be a missionary and preach the Gospel in other parts of the world instead so now that is what she is doing. She put her dreams of being on Broadway on hold to become a missionary. I just wonder if it is wrong for a Christian to have a non-Christian job such as being a baker or being a mechanic. Does everyone have to have some job where they are preaching to people? Can people not follow their dreams even if their dreams by no means relate to Christianity?

What makes me the most ecstatic is helping others. I get overjoyed when I see people helping others. That’s honestly what makes me the happiest. It gives me this feeling that I can’t describe. I want to spend the rest of my life serving others, but I don’t care about preaching to people or bringing people to Christ. I know that sounds horrible, but it is true. I want to live in a world where everyone is respectful of other’s beliefs. I feel like I want people to find their own happiness. If that happens to be religion, then great. If it is not religion then great. I've been wondering if Christianity is for everyone. People can find fulfillment in their lives without religion. I feel like I shouldn't be feeling this way though. I feel like I should be so on-fire for Christ that I want to tell everyone about Him and want others to come to Christianity. I hope this makes sense. I just feel like I am being a terrible Christian and am sinning for feeling this way.

Going off of that, I feel like I should just be beaming about Christ all the time. There was a guy that used to go to my college group at Church that went on a mission trip to somewhere in Europe. He said that the country he was in was predominately Islamic. He said that there was one day that he just passed around Bibles to everyone on the street trying to get the Word of God out to as many people as possible. He said he felt so bad and that his heart ached because those people did not know Jesus, and were going to go to Hell. See if was me in that country, I would be the one wanting to learn more about Islam. I wouldn't care about trying to convert people. Again, I feel terrible for feeling this way. I feel like I should be wanting to preach to everyone, but I don’t. I have another friend Zavia, who is always talking about God. Everything she says is practically about God or Jesus. Everything she wants to do is God-related. I feel like I should be that way, but I’m not. That’s what makes me feel bad.

I also really want to encourage people to follow their dreams, even if they are not related to Christianity. I feel like though, I should be encouraging people to follow Christ and not their dreams. 

Another thing that I want to relate to this is OneRepublic. After seeing them Friday, I got to thinking. I listened to an interview the lead singer, Ryan Tedder did about his childhood and Christianity. So Ryan grew up in Oklahoma and was raised in a very religious household. His parents are Pentecostal I believe. His dad is a preacher and his aunts and uncles are missionaries. He was raised by the Church. He said he went to a Christian college and knew he wanted to write songs and sing but, he was interested in secular music not Christian music. He said that the college he went to geared everything towards Christian music. He said if you wanted to go into music, his college expected it to be Christian music or being a worship leader at a church. His college was expecting everyone to have a Christian job, but that is not what he wanted at all. He had always wanted to write secular music. He said he had seen some things in the Christian music industry that really turned his stomach. He also said he was not interested in preaching to the quire, he did not want to just tour churches.

I don’t feel like there is anything wrong with that. He does what he loves and is most passionate about which is singing and writing music. The content of his songs are not bad or dirty. I really love OneRepublic’s music. Ryan also writes songs for big-name artists. He wrote Beyonce’s song Halo. He’s also wrote songs for Adele, Gavin Degraw, etc. I don’t feel that there is anything wrong with what he is doing or the way he is living his life. I read another article that was in response to the audio interview. It said that he needed to repent of his sins and come back to God. It also said that he needed to stop writing songs for people and start writing songs for God which is what God’s will is for him. I don’t know how to feel about that. Part of me feels like what Ryan is doing is fine, but the other part of me wonders if I should feel the way the author of that article did. Ryan doesn't go around preaching to everybody. The songs he writes are for the most part not related to Christianity whatsoever, but he is doing what he loves and is good at. No it’s not God-related, but it’s not bad music.

So many emotions running through me right now. I just want people to find whatever it is that makes them happy. The whole Ryan thing makes feel like people can be Christian and not spend their life preaching to people in their jobs. But like I said, part of me feels like I have to have a Christian job where my main focus is helping others come to Christ. It is also a similar situation with the band The Fray. The lead singer is Christian but he writes secular music. He doesn't go around preaching to people either. I just don’t know anymore.

There’s more I could write on this, but for now, I am done. It feels better getting that out.

New

New blog post soon. Possibly 2, one on the concert and one something somewhat related to that. I'm exhausted, and what I plan on writing is going to be long, so I will get to it tomorrow.