It's not my fault.

Heather is pissed at me, and to be honest, I don't care. It's not my fault that she happened to be in Jax the day of the Underoath show. I honestly had no idea the show was Saturday until the day of. My friend Jordan posted it on fb the day of and I just happened to see it. I didn't even think my parents were going to let me go, but they did. I texted her that afternoon and asked what she was doin and she told me she was in Jax. So I was just like oh... And then at the show I saw Jeremy and Kevin from ADTR and stupidly texted her and told her I saw them. And then I told her I was at the Underoath show and she got really pissed and was like 'you could've told me yesterday before I was already in Jax." I had no idea she was going to be in Jax, and I didn't know about the show until the day of. I thought this show had already happened like 2 weeks ago. It's totally not my fault that things turned out the way they did. Now she won't talk to me and I don't care. And as much as I try not to hold grudges, I keep being reminded of the NFG, SYG, TWY, and Man Overboard show. Kathryn came up to stay with Heather for the weekend and they both went to the show and didn't even bother inviting me. They both know I listen to that kind of music and like those bands. It really made me upset, but I just let it go.

On a lighter note, I'm applying to join the PLC. I want to join sooo bad, but I have no idea if they will pick me. I'm currently working on my application trying to make sure it's perfect before I turn it in. I just don't have much on campus leadership experience. I've done a lot of community service projects and stuff with NMSA, but I've never held any leadership positions at school.

I feel like Mike and I struggle with a lot of the same problems. It's difficult for me to try and help him or give him advice when I am going through the same things. I almost feel bad in a way for trying to help him when I know I can't even follow my own advice.

Life Happenings.

This is my favorite Taking Back Sunday song, ever. It's about Adam breaking off his relationship with Eisley's singer Chauntelle Dupree. They were engaged to be married and things just didn't work out. There's just so much emotion in this song. It is so amazing. 

"The love we had but couldn't name.

The past that we were stuck between. 

Beside myself I start to think,

Lord, what have I done?" 

I have so much to say, it's just hard to try and put it into words. Being in school now makes me feel bad about blogging, because I always have a paper to write or some assignment that I should be working on instead of blogging, but so much stuff has happened over break and recently.

This is something I've been meaning to write for a quite some time now, but my emotions have been getting in the way. So much has been going on recently, especially internally, so it's just been hard for me to put all of my jumbled thoughts on paper.

I tend to find that when I think I have everything worked out, I don't. I feel to some extent, I have moved on from the things in my past that have been haunting me. I know I can't change what happened, it's just now those things in my past are resurfacing. It's like just when you think you're over something, it comes back and takes a different form. I'm trying to be content with what I have, because I have been so richly blessed, but it's just so painful to see other people having an amazing time with their families, especially seeing friends with their siblings. And as much as I wish for things to be different, or better if you will, I know they can't because I feel like anything I wish is so far away from actual reality.

I'm so concerned with other people's feelings that I don't even stop to think about my own. I've just been trying hard not to do things or say things that get my mom upset, because I don't want to feel her wrath and I don't want her to be upset. She's got enough to worry about without me adding to it. Last night I did something really stupid. My mom and I went and saw Parental Guidance and after decided to go to Cracker Barrel for dinner. Well I pulled into a parking spot and saw the one in front of me was empty, so I thought I could just pull straight through. Apparently there were those concrete blocks on either side of the parking spot and I totally didn't see them whatsoever. It was dark an rainy and the Rav4 we have sits high up off the ground so I couldn't see them. I pulled straight through and went over both concrete blocks. Lets just say I got chewed out by my mom. She was so pissed off. She was like 'this is the only car your dad and I are going to have, and you keep messing it up. I can't believe how dumb you are. How did you not see the blocks there? You need to be more careful when you drive. I give you this car to drive and you don't even take care of it. You don't deserve to be driving this car.' She went on and on and on making me feel more like shit with each blow. It's not like I purposefully ran over those blocks. The only thing I could say was sorry. She eventually apologized for the way she acted. Typical mom. My mom reacts without thinking. She goes off on the littlest things and the realizes later that she shouldn't have acted that way and apologizes.

To be honest, I don't fully understand the feud between my brother and my parents. I don't 100% know why things are the way they are between them, but I know my brother and I are both pissed off at my mom for some of the same reasons. That's why as much as I want him to make things right with my parents, I know I'm gonna get dragged into it, and that really scares me. I've been avoiding confronting my mom about the way she treats me for most of my life now. The one time I did try confronting her about it, was in 8th grade, and she denied everything and told me I didn't know what I was talking about. The occasional time where I call her out on something she gets pissed off, so I'm at a loss at what to do. I just don't want things to get worse, but I feel that they are going to have to before they get any better.
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Tonight I took a blow to the chest by none other than my mom. What a surprise. I got a random message from my brother about how he was moving and wouldn't be able to take his cat. He really wants me to have it. It's an orange and white male 3yr old tabby. I would take it in a heartbeat, if only my mom would let me. It would kill me to see it be put down because it is the nicest cat ever, and for some reason, those are hard to come by in my household. Plus I've been looking for a cat since the passing of my black cat. I asked my mom about it and she automatically said no. She said we already have enough animals. I kindly reminded her that we recently had four, then lost one, so adding one more would make what we started with. She told me to not start with that crap and that we had been much better off after the death of Midnight. What a slap in the face. It's like thanks mom, for telling me you hated my cat all along. I loved her dearly and now she's dead. There are other things I could add to this, but I won't for my sake and yours.

Losing my cat, as dumb as this is going to sound, is the most painful thing I have ever experienced. We knew Friday night that Saturday we were going to have to take her to be put down. I stayed up all night bawling my eyes out. And what made things worse was that she slept right beside me that night. I couldn't sleep knowing that my best friend of almost eight years was going to die the following day. All I could do was watch her sleep beside me and cry. The only thing that can heal those wounds is time. There's nothing nobody has said or will say for that matter that can help me get over the loss of my cat. Time heals many wounds.

I finally realized tonight that my mom is full of empty promises. She promised me that if I moved to Orlando with her and my dad that I could drive to Jacksonville any time I wanted. That was a lie. She also promised after the death of my cat that I could get another one. That was a lie too.

For now, this is all I'm going to write because I'm tired and need time to regroup my thoughts.