When life gives you lemons...

It really sucks that AOF broke up, because they were sooooo good. And I remember almost seeing them at Warped Tour like 4 years ago. My friend Liz and I got backstage or whatever, but they were only letting friends and family on stage to see them, so we basically left and went out into the crowd but couldn't see anything from where we were, so we ended up leaving. But they will always be one of my favorites.

I've been debating talking about this, because what I want to talk about is super personal, and I usually keep a journal for the really personal stuff because there are things going on in my life that I don't want everyone to know about. Big shocker lol, I don't post everything on here! There are certain people I know that read my blogs and I don't personally feel like sharing certain things to certain people about stuff going on. I feel like I make that sound like a bad thing, it's not so much that I'm keeping secrets from people, it's just more so internal stuff going on.

So basically, I never thought I'd be happier to see summer come because of a crazy, stressful semester, but now that's it's here, I want to be back in school. I have honestly felt like crap ever since summer started. I've felt so depressed and just want to be back home with all my friends in Jacksonville. When my family and I moved to Orlando last summer, I had quit my job and wasn't planning on working since I had enough money saved to cover school and whatnot. And plus being at Valencia in the honors program didn't leave me much room to work, although I'm sure I could've done it. I've always wanted to work in Publix's bakery ever since I was probably 16, but didn't have any professional baking experience, even though I bake all the time, and I wasn't old enough. By the time I was old enough, I had a job that I liked, so I never bothered applying. Ever since the Martha White contest, I now have the experience I need to apply at Publix, but have yet to do so because of things going on this summer. If I was to apply, I would need at least 4 weeks off this summer for various trips I'm going on such as the OVU mission trip in June, or the 2 weeks of camp I plan on counseling in July. Most if not all places won't give you weeks off at a time once you just start working somewhere. And I've heard that Publix is good about giving time off, but I don't know how to approach the situation. Would I go into the interview and be like yes I want the job, but I'm gonna be gone these weeks out of the summer? I feel like that seems unprofessional. So that's why I have been reluctant to apply. I've wanted to wait til summer's over and I'm done being gone.

So as for right now, I've been sitting on my butt all day every day since school's been out. I've been going crazy out of my mind being so bored. I have literally had nothing to do. And since I'm not working, money's tight, so It's not like I can just go to Disney or Universal any time I want. I haven't made hardly any friends at Valencia. There's those people you talk to in class, but you don't really hang out with outside of class. It's like you're kinda friends with them but then once the semester's over you never see or hear from them again. I've had a lot of those, which sucks, and I can honestly only think of one person from school that I'm close to that I hang out with. To be honest I never liked Valencia. I hated the atmosphere. It seemed so much like high school, and I thought I was going to get away from high school when I got to college. It's constantly noisy, there's cliques everywhere, and it's been harder to make friends as opposed to when I went to FSCJ. FSCJ was wonderful. I met some of the most amazing people there. The campus I went to was so nice and quiet. My classes were fun, the teachers were awesome. It was great. And then I went to Valencia, and it seemed like the exact opposite of where I came from.

I feel like I keep asking myself, what am I doing with my life? Sitting here doing nothing has made me completely reevaluate my life. I'm tired of doing nothing, but I have nothing to do. haha I'm definitely thinking that after my mission trip I'm gonna go ahead and apply at places, even if it means sacrificing camp in July because I want to get off my butt and do something productive. I want to stop just simply living, and be alive. I'm tired of wasting my time doing nothing with my life. I've also been questioning my purpose in life. What is it that I hope to accomplish with my life? I don't want to die not having done what I wanted to with my life. I don't know I just feel like I'm wasting so much of my time this summer not doing anything.

And I feel bad because I live at home rent-free and my parents pay for my gas and food. So I feel like the least I could be doing is working full time and supporting myself. My dad works so incredibly hard for every penny he makes, and I feel awful just using his hard earned money like that. I feel worse just sitting at home not doing anything.

I finally understand what it's like for my mom to do nothing at home all day. I feel so bad for her. I want to desperately get her out of the house and doing stuff, but she never feels up to doing anything. She spends all of her day sleeping and watching TV. I want to do stuff with her, but I don't know what we can do that doesn't involve getting out of the house. And I hate how she feels that it's her fault for us being in this position. She can't control what hand she's dealt in life, but she can control how she chooses to play her cards. I also feel as if she's selling herself short. She's only 52 and she already thinks she's gonna die around 70. She's constantly telling me oh I've already lived my life, so it's okay if I die young. It's like she's trying to compromise, when really she's capable of doing so much more with her life. I just love her so much and hate to see her like this. She has so much potential to be something greater, and I just wish I could take the pain away and make it all better. It sucks knowing there's nothing you can do to make someone feel better.

And to be honest, I recently haven't been enjoying going to church tuesday night's. I feel like I always get stuck in awkward  situations every time I go. It's kind of hard to explain, but it's like I've only been here for a little less than a year and I haven't been at River Run for that long, maybe like 7-9 months? So we had a group of people that would always come, and now recently people have been coming that used to come way back before I was there, and so it's been kinda awkward. Like I'll be stuck in a group of people and there will be that one person in the group that everyone else knows but me. And so there's no good way to introduce yourself, and it seems like the people in the group think you know whoever it is when I don't, so it's always awkward and weird. And everyone's just kind of talking about random stuff so there's no good way for me to introduce myself. I used to hang out with kids from Metro, and then the whole "him" thing happened, and ever since that unfortunate situation, It's hard for me to get around hanging out with Metro people and not seeing "him". And I almost to be honest feel like the whole church thing is like school. I hang out with these people at church but then never see them again outside of church. And I thought I made a bunch of friends going over to "his" house all the time, but those people I never hear from. And I understand that communication works both ways, and I've tried to communicate with these people, but it's like don't tell me you wanna hang out and then never talk to me again.

I really really want to make a long Jacksonville trip soon. There's so many people I miss dearly and want to hang out with, and so many people that want me to come up. It sucks that I don't have a car because then I could drive up whenever I wanted, but using my parents car makes it a lot trickier to go visit friends up there. My mom is always complaining about gas and about putting miles on the car, so usually bringing up a Jacksonville trip is a no. If it's not a necessity like paper work or doctors appointments, then my parents are not always open to letting me come up but we'll see. It just depends.

So yeah that's what's been going on in my life. I'm trying to not go insane from all the nothingness. I just don't know what to do anymore. But for now, It's almost five in the morning, and I need to attempt to get some sleep.

~Jordan

dsklfhaskld!

So I finally after months of waiting, got accepted into UCF! And that was supposed to be the easy part lol. Now I just have to submit my Social Work application and hope and pray I get accepted into that!

On an unrelated note, I am so sore. I went on a five mile walk/run tonight through Alayfaya Woods and it definitely kicked my butt. I've been so lazy this summer and I really need to step it up and really try to train hard for the 10 mile race I've got coming up in September at Disney. I'm not going to do like the I did the Princess Half I ran this February and wait until the week before to start running lol. And even though I only did a minute worse this year than my half I ran last year, I don't want to have to endure the leg pain that I felt during this past half. I know it was because my legs had not taken that much running or walking for that matter at once, and that the severe leg pain would have been eliminated if I was better prepared for the race. So I'm gonna try and not put it off this time haha.

The Broadway Calls song I posted reminds me of home. There's not a day that goes by that I don't think about my friends and family at home. I hate Orlando so much to be honest, and I really just want to move back home. But alas, I am stuck here and am trying to make the best of it.

Anddddd, I found the best blog everrrr that makes vegan deserts! I am so stoked to try these recipes because they are actually healthy, and are made with surprising ingredients. Her name is Katie and her blog is here: http://chocolatecoveredkatie.com/ The food looks sooo yummy! And I like that she has a lot of single serving recipes so I don't have to make a whole batch of something and end up eating all of it, because it always happens.

So yeah I'm gonna stop rambling and probably go watch youtube videos until I fall asleep.

Goodnight :]

Third Time's The Charm :]

First of all, I don't know what's wrong with me, but I randomly got super hungry at like 12:30 tonight. My stomach was killing me and I ate the other half of my veggie sub but it still wants more food haha. I'm trying to resist but I'm just so hungry for some reason!

Okay so on to the main point of this entry haha, and guess what? It has nothing to do with food. So I never ever talked about the awful crap I had to go through with my second conch piercing, I think I only wrote about getting it done, so I figured I'd better explain some things before talking about this third conch piercing.

Ever since the day I got my second conch piercing, it constantly felt irritated. It wasn't a sore feeling like my other conch, it was this painful irritated feeling. I don't know how to describe it other than that. I didn't think it was the jewelry, because even though I don't think it's good quality titanium, it's in all my other piercings and has only given me problems with this conch. I don't think it was anything I was doing. I went through all the things I do on a daily basis and couldn't think of anything I was doing that would cause it to feel this way. I don't sleep on it, I don't use hair products besides shampoo and conditioner in the shower and I make sure none of that get's on my piercings, I don't touch it unless I'm cleaning it and that's with clean hands, I don't put anything harsh on it, it never gets knocked. It was just plain irritated. I finally figured it was because I had a circular barbell in it as opposed to a straight barbell so I went back to the guy that did it after a week and got it changed to a straight barbell. I know I should've waited but I couldn't take the irritated painful feeling in my ear any longer. When he changed it, he told me it was infected, and I couldn't believe it. It never looked infected, and was never pussing or bleeding so I'm not sure weather it really was or not at the time, but if it wasn't it got infected a few days later. I thought things were getting better with having the bar in, but it only got worse. The pain radiated throughout my ear. No amount of ib profin could help the pain. I got it changed on a Sunday, and then the following Wednesday woke up from my ear being in so much pain. It was hot, throbbing, swollen, and extremely painful. It was crusty and pussing, and wasn't apparently going to let me sleep. I didn't want to go to the doctor because most doctors aren't piercing friendly, and plus I knew my dad was going to say something which he did. He was basically like 'Why did you get it pierced in the first place if it was just going to get badly infected?" It's not like I asked for the infection. Well anyway, I went to the doctor and she gave me two different types of pills to take for the infection. She didn't make me take it out thank God, but she did douse my ear in hydrogen peroxide, which did not feel good lol.

I still am not 100% sure of why it got infected. Like I said, I've gone through everything I was doing and don't think it was something I was doing or not doing for that matter, that caused it to get badly infected. I would be honest and own up to it if I was playing with it or not cleaning it, or whatever, but I've been really careful with it and have been trying to do everything right so it wouldn't end up infected like my second one did. I hate to blame my piercer for it getting infected, but I think it could have been his fault. One thing that bothered me that he did was not properly sterilize my jewelry that I brought in before he put it in my ear. He knew I had only had my piercing for a week, and yet all he did was spray the bar with alcohol and wipe it off. And the bar I brought in was definitely not sterilized before hand, and I had been wearing it in other piercings. So I think that bacteria that was on the bar could have been what go into my piercing and got it infected? I don't know, it could have just been some freak thing, but whatever, it's doing better now and is on the path to healing. I've never had anything like that happen with any of my other piercings and I hope I never have to go through that again. I am definitely going to make sure I take wonderful care of my newest conch piercing so it doesn't start out like my other one did.

Okay sooooo finally onto the experience of my third conch. I decided to go somewhere different for this one, since I had so many problems with my other one. I found a place on the corner of University and Deen called Dungeon Tattoo and Body Piercing, and I am so glad I came across them! The girl that pierced my conch was Monica, and she was so awesome! She was so nice, patient, and knew what she was talking about. What really impressed me was how much time she took in making sure that both my conches were going to be even. I appreciated that so much! She could've just marked it and pierced it with out trying to make them look even, but she really took the time to make sure they looked the same which I am super happy about! The actual piercing part was similar to the others. She had me laying down ,which I was happy about, because it gave me no chance to move while she was doing it. I don't know, it just personally feels more comfortable then sitting up. I was expecting this one to hurt more then the other two, and it did lol. It was definitely a sharp pain, but it was over quick and I'm now left with an awesome conch piercing! I can't stop looking at them! They look wonderful! Yay!! I would 110% recommend Dungeon to anyone in the Orlando area looking to get pierced! Check out their Facebook page if you want more info :]

The Redeemed

This song is literally the best song I have ever heard, ever. Matty Mullins is such a crazy talented writer. I remember hearing this song for the first time thinking "Wow. Matt completely gets it. He truly knows what matters in life, and what the meaning of life is. He understands the true meaning of Christianity. He gets it." It blew me away. I have to listen to this song almost daily. It is an incredible reminder that the things of this life don't matter and that our bones are only temporary, and that there is something so much greater coming after this life. It helps put everything in perspective, and get's my life back on track. It reminds me that I am never alone, God is always with me. This song has changed my life in so many ways. I don't think Matt fully understands the impact this whole album has made on so many people. This song gives me chills every time I hear it. Eventually I plan on getting lyrics from this song tattooed on me. Because this song embodies Christianity in so may ways. It puts life into perspective and gives people hope for the future. I want others to see my tattoo and ask me about it so I can tell them what this song means and pass on the message to others!

Let go of everything, 
Let go of everything!

What is it that you are holding on to?
What will it matter when every history book is consumed in the flames?
Soon it will be like you never existed,
Not a single soul will remember your name!

Everyone is flawed,
Everyone has a story to tell.
But every story has an ending,
So stop acting like there won't be one!

These bones are only, only temporary.
(Let go of all you know.)
You're on your own, but not alone.
You'll never be alone.

These bones are temporary,
Let go of all you know.
(Let go of all you know.)
The destination lies ahead
And we are not alone.
We are not our own!

Forget then, live right now.
Everything rides on tomorrow.
When that day comes will you hear (will you hear)
"Well done, well done."?

Your eternity is worth so much
More than their opinions of you.
Defined not by where you've been,
Knowing that you'll be made new!

These bones are only, only temporary.
(Let go of all you know.)
You're on your own, but not alone.
You'll never be alone.

These bones are temporary,
Let go of all you know.
(Let go of all you know.)
The destination lies ahead
And we are not alone.
We are not our own!

I can't say 
The past will never get in the way.
Just remember, all things come and go,
But they don't mean a thing.
It's not about what you have now,
It's what you have in store.

Let go.
The destination lies ahead
And we are not alone.
(It's not about what you have now,
What do you have in store?)

Let go.
These bones are only temporary,
We are not alone.
(It's not about what you have now,
What do you have in store?)

Let go. (These bones are only temporary)
The destination lies ahead
And we are not alone.
(You're on your own, but not alone.
What do you have in store?)

Let go. (These bones are only temporary)
These bones are only temporary,
We are not alone.
(You're on your own, but not alone.
You'll never be alone.)

Hi Hey Hello

So this is gonna be just a random blog about random stuff that's been going on in my life. I went to today and got my conch piercing changed from a ring to a straight barbell and it feels 100% better. It had been irritatingly painful this past week and I had come so close to ripping it out of my head lol. But the bar feels better. So I hope it goes uphill from there. I also had my other conch taken out. It was definitely a spur of the moment decision but I am glad I did it. It was getting more and more painful by the day and the angle was definitely not what it should have been. Stevo assured me it would still heal up fine, but I knew it would heal up easier and better if it was angled straight as opposed to the weird angle it was at. I asked him if I should take it out and get it redone and he told me that was up to me and not his decision to make. I hate it when people tell me that! So I rephrased my question and asked him if he were in my position what would he do, and he said if I wasn't happy with the placement or whatever then take it out and wait a couple weeks and get it redone. So that's what I'm gonna do because I like the look of having both conches pierced. So I will be back in 2 weeks to have it done...for the third time lol. I was freaking out that it was gonna hurt to have it removed and a new bar put in but it didn't. I was relieved.

To be honest, I haven't been going to church every Sunday like I should. I know this is going to sound awful, but I would rather be in bed sleeping then having to get up early and go to church. And it had been working out because my dad had been super busy with work and stuff and wasn't able to go so I got off easy for a while. My dad had asked me if I wanted to go to church with him today and I was like sure, why not? I wasn't excited about going to be honest, but it was amazing! God spoke to me in so many ways this morning. We sung all of my favorite songs today and it was so wonderful. The worship was great the message was great. I just love how nonjudgmental River Run is. It's so comforting to find a place that won't judge me for the piercings I have, or for the clothes I wear or for the music I listen to. It's so great to finally feel at home. I definitely got inspired to do something this summer. I've been waiting to get e job, since I plan on being gone various weeks out of the summer for different trips and I know that most places especially when you're new won't let you take weeks off like I would need. So, I've been trying to hold out on getting a job until things slow down for me in August. Because I'm not working, I've been sitting on my butt at home all day doing pretty much nothing. I feel like this is a great opportunity for me to reach out to others and to help make a difference in the world. There are so many causes that I am interested in and want to get involved with over the summer. I feel like not working this summer has given me the perfect opportunity to do something. I'm super excited to see what God throws at me this summer.

On a more solemn note, I've been trying to keep my mind off family issues. I feel like the less my family talks about things, the better off we are as a family. It really sucks the way things turned out, and I hate having to be the mediator for everything. I feel like my parents, or at least my mom really hold me up to high standards because she doesn't want me turning out like him. I feel like I have to be a certain way for her, if that makes sense, like I have to make a's in school since he failed all his classes, and that I have to be that perfect child since he's not. I feel like she holds me to higher standards.

I miss having a brother. Dangit, I love him so much. All I can say is that I wish things were different and you can't force people to change. You can only try to reach out to them and continue to love and be there for them. Family is family and that never changes. They share part of your DNA, and that can't be changed. Other than that, I'm in such a good mood today. I'm looking forward to OVU this summer and camp. It's gonna be awesome :]