I don't even know where to start this post. This weekend was awful. I am so glad I am home. I really just want to know why I was selected to be on the PLC. I really don't belong. I know Ana and a few others kept reminding us that we were selected for a reason and that we deserved to be there, but I just don't see it. That is what I learned the most at this retreat; how much I stood out compared to everyone else. Every single person on the PLC is heavily involved on campus. These people hold high positions in SGA, are in fraternities and sororities, are head of various clubs and organizations on campus. Listening to what everyone has done on campus and is doing on campus just made me feel so terrible. People wanted to know what I was involved in on campus, and I had nothing to say. I haven't been involved in practically anything on campus. I don't think I deserve this. There were 115 or so kids who were turned down for this opportunity and I bet they have more qualifications than I do. Standing up there talking about the position I wanted, I just felt so out of place. It sucked so bad. I just want to forget this whole weekend. I am so glad I didn't cry my eyes out while I was there. It is so hard to trying to get to know people who already all know each other really well. There was one girl in my group who got in with her big in her sorority. Seriously, what are the chances of that? There are a ton of people who are on OSI together. Everyone was cracking jokes and talking about mutual people they knew from their campus involvement. I was just like oh, okay... I felt so secluded. There were cliques that formed, and it was hard to get in on people's conversations. The beginning of the retreat was eh. I met a girl who told me she didn't know anyone either, and we had planned to stick together during the retreat, but then we got broken up and she stopped talking to me. I think it was because I didn't sit with her on the bus. I don't really know what it was. When she was walking out to the bus she was with another girl that I think she rode with, so my assumption was that she was going to sit with her, so that's why I sat by someone else. She practically ignored me the whole time. I don't really know what to do from here.
I think my personality and demeanor has a lot to do with my interactions with people and how they perceive me. I am an introvert. I would much rather stay at home by myself on a Friday night than go out with friends. I don't thrive off of social interaction. I can only take so much of people. However, that is not to be confused with me being shy. I can be outgoing depending on the situation and the person. Once I become close with someone, I can be very outgoing. But until I get to know someone, I am pretty quiet. I feel like a lot of people take that as me being bitchy or arrogant, but that is totally not the case. I need meaningful interactions to take place before I can be outgoing with someone. I have to have something interesting to talk about.
I hate small talk. It is pointless, and is always awkward. I found the best blog post about small talk.
Here's part of what was said: "It's not a conversation. It's a metric. You are using it to determine the nature of a new person. How they react, how they speak, what they feel like when engaged. It is a horrible way of getting to know me because I hate being tested, and I will usually act accordingly. I don't have to be rude, but the cues will be there that the nature of the conversation makes me uncomfortable because I know I will be judged by how well I perform at the task."
I never know what to say when meeting people for the first time. I am really bad at keeping a conversation going with someone I just met. I just can't believe how much I am finding on introverts. It's crazy how much I fit in with the introverted category. Reflecting on this weekend made me realize that maybe I just need to get to know people better to become close with them. I am proud to be an introvert.
